


Find Me Lost

by AlwaysAmused



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Cats, Drunk Loki, Fandral doesn't know when to stop talking, Feels, Gen, Genderfluid Loki, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki won't stand for sexual harassment, Loki-centric, Odin isn't Dad Of The Year, Odin really IS trying, Poor Loki, Sad Loki, Smoking, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thor is the best big brother, Thor means well, Tolkien References, Weirdness, a lot of weirdness, cats that just want you to LOVE THEM, if you've read Different Kinds of Pain you know that I mess with mythology characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-06 11:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3133076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysAmused/pseuds/AlwaysAmused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years ago, Loki Odinson fell from the Bifrost. Ten years later, Jordan Walker is living in an apartment in Brooklyn with an old landlady and a cat. AU where Loki falls, but doesn't try to take over the world.</p><p>Now completed editing!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet our protagonist and a charming old lady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

_"No, Loki."_

It had been ten years since Odin had spoken those words, since he had let go of Gungnir. Ten years since Loki had given up and let go. Ten years since he'd fallen and landed. Ten years since he'd been home. Ten years since he'd been sure what home  _was_.

Loki shifted, frowning and trying to get more comfortable in his bed as the thoughts occurred to him. It wasn't the first time he'd turned these thoughts over in his head, yet it was the first time it had failed to fill him with sadness. He opened his eyes and sighed as he rolled over. He opening his eyes and stare at the ceiling, wondering what he  _was_ feeling. Ten years... Well, it wasn't  _that_  long, considering he had been alive for more than a thousand years. He had once spent ten years mute, only talking to certain people.

And yet these ten years had been the longest of Loki's life. He kept himself shrouded with magic and never stayed more than six months in an apartment. And he never got too close to anyone. Oh, he  _spoke_  to people; that was unavoidable in the long run. Things needed to get bought, and negotiations on housing made talking to others inevitable. He wasn't even quite sure why he hadn't gone back to Asgard.

He had thought about it at first, when he had walked through the twisting  roads of Everything. Then again, time seemed not to exist then. It was beautiful, endless, and Loki had found  smaller Realms. Realms he was sure no one but him knew about. He hadn't stayed in any of them for more than a day or two. At last, he had decided to move around the Nine Realms. He had stayed in Alfheim and Vanaheim, using disguises.  He'd even spent a year in Jotunheim, trying to learn more about his “home Realm." Finally, he had come to Midgard. And for the past five years, he had been traveling the Earth, fascinated by the many cultures it held. 

It was a lonely life; there was no denying it. He knew he  Not that anyone would have cared or mourned him, anyway.  _Well,_  he amended,  _No one except..._  He closed his eyes.  _Frigga._  Perhaps Thor, going by the man's face when he'd let go.

It was best not to dwell on such thoughts.

Loki finally pulled the covers back and got up, going to his little kitchen to make a cup of tea. He put the kettle on, grabbed a cup, and waited, sitting at the table with his head in his arms on the table. He was currently living in a little apartment in Brooklyn, New York. His landlady, Ella Hall, lived downstairs. She sometimes invited him downstairs for Sunday lunch, and he sometimes invited her up for a cup of tea in return. She fussed over him, but while the attention made him a little bit uncomfortable he put up with it. Though, if you asked him, he couldn't have told you why.

Thankfully, no one did ask. He didn't own very many personal things, and stored them in a pocket dimension. Nothing was permanent in his life anymore. 

With a sigh, Loki stood, ignoring the click of the kettle turning off. He grabbed a jacket off of the sofa and pulled it on, putting on a pair of boots as well. He made sure he had his keys, then walked out the door, pulling a cigarette out as he did so. It wasn't an addiction; he only smoked on nights when his head was too full of thoughts. The smoke such an opposite from the frost within him that it somehow seemed to help. He wasn't allowed to smoke indoors, so he lit the end as he left the building and walked up the street.

He had changed more in ten years than he had centuries. He wore his hair a bit longer how, and he dyed the ends of his hair in various colors. It was no longer combed back, but parted, sometimes in the middle, sometimes off to the side. He  wore colors more often, though they were usually still dark; he was wary of brighter colors. He still had the clothes he'd worn when falling. They remained in his pocket dimension, along with the battered helmet. He had, for the most part, stopped wearing gold, embracing silver instead. He'd gotten his ears pierced, and had  _considered_  getting a tattoo, but wasn't sure what he would get if he did. A snake? A bit cliché. A flower? Maybe not. He had decided against it for now, and drew on his skin with markers when he felt like it instead.

But the biggest change was that, at long last, Loki could be a girl whenever he wanted, and no one would care.

Outside, the crisp night air grounded him. Autumn was changing to winter, and Loki could tell that snow was on its way.  But perhaps not quite yet; it was only the end of November, so there was time yet for snow. He walked until his cigarette was gone, then meandered back to the apartment, hands in his pockets. As he climbed the stairs, a door opened and Ella poked her head out. She smiled at him, her face warm and open. She was in a dressing gown and slippers.

"Bit cold out for a walk, isn't it, Jordan?" She said. Loki gave a half-shrug and a bit of a guilty smile in return. She leaned against the doorframe and looked him up and down, eyeing his pajamas under his jacket and boots. "Aha, so it's one of  _those_  nights, huh?" She nodded like she understood. "Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?"

Loki bit his lip. "No, thank you, ma'am. I wouldn't want to trouble you."

"Oh, come on," she said, tilting her head as if beckoning. "I've just boiled the water, so it's no trouble at all."  Loki still hesitated, so she dded "And I usually find that a little company helps on nights like this."

Loki blinked at her, then made his way back downstairs. She gave him a knowing look and held the door for him. He wiped his feet and took his boots off, leaving them by the door, which she closed behind him. "Would you like some cookies, too?" She asked. "I made them a bit earlier. They're chocolate chip, if you were wondering."

"Thank you," Loki mumbled, wrapping his arms around him and sitting at the table, back straight. He had been royalty after all, and polite mannerisms had been grounded into him for as long as he could remember. The tutors had given up any hope of Thor ever listening to them, so he had almost no etiquette whatsoever.

"What kind of tea would you like?" Ella asked, peering into her cupboard of teas. "Probably nothing with caffeine, I mean you want to be able to get back to sleep  _eventually_ , right? Is mint and lavender good with you?"

Loki nodded. A few minutes later, Ella set a streaming mug down in front of him. She put a plate of cookies down as well, and Loki picked one up, nibbling on the edge. There were cats painted on the edge of his mug, playing with a ball of yarn and mice. Ella sat down across, and stirred sugar into her tea. "You can take a plate of those back upstairs, if you like," she said, nodding at the cookies. "I made plenty to go around."

"Thank you," Loki said, glancing up at her. He dipped the cookie in his tea and took a bite. "It's delicious."

"Why, thank you!" She said, grinning at the compliment. "And I like what you've done with your hair; the red brings out your eyes nicely."

Loki's fingers went to the ends of his hair, dyed an almost magenta color. He averted his eyes and said a soft "Thank you, ma'am."

"You're welcome," she replied. There was silence for a few moments, then she said “Have you read anything interesting lately?”

"Mhm," Loki said, nodding as he swallowed. " _Harry Potter_. It's... a fascinating read." Even if it wasn't how magic actually worked, it  _was_  interesting. "I'm on the fifth book."

"Oh, I know those," she said, smiling. "Read all seven of 'em when they came out. My granddaughter loves 'em to death. I swear, she read them every time another movie came out. You'd like her, I think, my Tiffany. Though  _apparently_  she prefers Tiff nowadays. She's about seventeen... Have I told you about her before?"

Loki shook his head, though she had told him about Tiffany many times before.

"She's a great kid," Ella said, smiling. "That's her on the mantle." She nodded, eyes focused on something behind him. He turned to see the picture of a young girl with blonde hair and brown eyes, smiling up.

"She's as beautiful as her grandmother," Loki said, giving Ella a charming smile. She laughed, eyes dancing.

"Of course she is, with genes as good as her mother's," the old woman replied, a fondness in her eyes. She winked at him. "What about you, do you have any family?"

Loki straightened and looked down at his cup, smile falling from his face. "I..." He sighed. "We haven't been in touch for a long time."

"Ah," she said, nodding. "That's me; I haven't seen my Oliver in many a year. He was a good kid; I'm not sure what he's up to these days. I call him on his birthday and Christmas. He never picks up, or replies, but... well..." She sighed. "He's not in touch with Marie either. That's my daughter," she added. "Marie. Tiffany's mother."

Loki nodded and sipped his tea before taking another cookie. Ella watched him, then said "How long've you been away from your folks?"

Loki shrugged, taking a mouthful of cookie to avoid replying. Ella watched him, silent, until he finished. Then kept watching him. He flushed and mumbled "A few years. We didn't... part on good terms."

"Oh?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. Loki nodded.

"I didn't tell them where I was going," he said, not looking at her, "or even that I  _was_  going. I just... left."  _Let go_. "I had issues." He trailed off and shook his head. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"'Course it does," Ella said, putting her elbows on the table, mug cradled in her hands. "Sometimes people need to talk. That's okay. Go ahead and talk, I don't mind."

Loki shrugged. "I changed my name. Haven't in contact, in about... Well, a while."

"How long? A decade?" She joked. Loki flushed again and looked down. Ella's smile fell and she said "Really? A  _decade_?" Loki shrugged. "How old were you when you left, seventeen?"

"More or less," Loki mumbled, shrugging as he clasped his hands in front of him. "I move around a lot."

"Don't you think they're worried about you?" She asked. Loki snorted.

"Them? No. I mean, maybe at first," he muttered. "But now?" He shook his head. "Like I said, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it does," Ella replied. "They're your family."

Loki blinked and looked down. "No," he said in a soft tone. "They're not." He made to get up, but Ella reached across the table and put a hand around his clasped ones, stopping him.

"Jordan," she said. "I'm not the kind of person who's going to tell you to love your family unconditionally. Now, I don't know what kind of situation you were in, so I won't play judge. But if they ever hurt you, or lied to you, or anything like that, then you are under no obligation to love them. But," she added, patting his hand, "it's never too late to make amends, if that's what you want to do."

"I don't," Loki said, looking down. "At least... not yet. But thank you."

Ella just smiled and patted his hands again before getting up. "I'll get you those cookies for you to take upstairs."

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Loki was in his kitchen with a takeout container of cookies. He set them down on the counter, and shrugged off his jacket, laying it over the chair. When his six month's rent ran out, he'd pack up and leave, leaving the keys on the kitchen table. Like he always did.

Jordan Walker was the name Loki had adopted when he'd arrived in Midgard. Walker was a popular name that people wouldn't really suspect. He'd found that Jordan was a unisex name, so he could switch between genders without too much question. He'd had to hide it on Asgard, but on Jotunheim, he'd discovered that the Jotnar were hermaphroditic, just like him. They also used one pronoun for everyone (ze/zim/zir), unless told to do otherwise. Loki found it odd, and wasn't quite comfortable with it, so he still used male pronouns. But, when asked, he shrugged and said whichever was fine. He didn't  _really_ care either way.

Loki went back to his bedroom, making sure the doors were locked before getting  into bed. He pulling the covers around him like a cocoon, then waving a hand at the light. He snuggled down and closed his eyes as Ella's words came back to him. He sighed; he would miss her when he moved. He'd gotten comfortable in this little apartment.

He frowned a bit. He hadn't stayed anywhere for more than six months... but maybe, just this once, he could bend that rule. 

After all, rules were made to be broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got such a good response! I'm going through the process of editing now. There's this awesome website called [Hemingway Editor](http://www.hemingwayapp.com) that's really cool, so you can go look at it if you want. It's good for essay writing too, or so I've been told. It's what I used to help edit this chapter.


	2. The Cat and the Ravens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flat-faced cat, and the ravens of doom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Loki was walking down the street, snow crunching beneath her feet. She appeared to be the only person walking around for pleasure, a cigarette clasped between two fingers.

A brown box meowed as she passed. Loki stopped and peered down into it, finding a little kitten burrowed under a blanket and trying to stay warm. She was a flat-faced cat, with a calico coat and copper eyes. She was the only one in the box, which was just labeled  ~~ **Kittens: $10 $5 $1**.~~  

Loki blinked. Then, glancing around, she reached down and picked up the kitten. The kitten mewled, looking pathetic as it shivered. Loki wrapped her scarf around the kitten, then put her in an inside pocket to keep her warm.

She then moved on, hurrying now back to her apartment, knocking on Ella's door. Ella answered and said "Oh, hello, Jordan. What's wrong?"

"Do you allow pets?" Loki asked breathless from hurrying home. Ella grinned a little.

"Why?" She asked. Loki reached into her jacket, and pulled out the kitten. Ella's eyes widened and said "For you, yes. Take her upstairs."

"How did you know it was a she?" Loki asked, frowning.

"Calicoes nearly always are, I think," Ella said with a shrug. Loki nodded and ran upstairs, laying the kitten on the kitchen table. The kitten mewled again and Loki got out a dish, pouring some milk into it and warming it up, stirring it before giving it to her. The kitten sniffed at it, then lapped it up. Loki sat and watched her, hardly blinking. When she finished, she went back to Loki's scarf and laid down, and fell asleep. Loki blinked and picked up the dish, putting it away. She then scooped the kitten up, leaving the scarf on the table. Loki took her to the living room and put her on a pillow.

 _Did I just steal a kitten?_  She thought, blinking down at the tiny creature.  _Well_ now  _what?_  She was sure the person selling wouldn't actually  notice, but still. She stroked the kitten and smiled a little; she was soft, of not a bit dirty.

"What am I going to call you?" Loki murmured, scratching the kitten's ears. The kitten purred and Loki smiled. When the kitten fell asleep, Loki pulled her laptop towards her to look up names. She found nothing satisfactory, so she went to a random name generator instead. Zaire? No. Beatrice? No. Lola? ... _Maybe_. Loki continued in this fashion, looking at the kitten every time a name came up.

Half an hour later, Loki had a list of possible names. The kitten had woken up, and was rubbing against Loki's leg, blinking up at her, a curious look on her face.  Loki looked down and said "Matilda. Do you like that one? Ma-til-da," she tested out every syllable, and the kitten meowed. Loki smiled and began to stroke her head. "Matilda it is, then. I suppose we should get you some food, and toys, and such. But not now. Do you like tuna?" She mused.

Matilda purred again. Loki smiled and picked her up, putting her on the floor. She then got up and walked towards the kitchen, the kitten following behind. Loki took out a can of tuna, putting about half of it in a bowl, then putting it on the floor, along with a bowl of water. Matilda sniffed at it for a moment, then ate.  Loki watched for a few minutes, then flicked on the kettle and went back to the living room, curling up into an armchair with  _Harry Potter_.

It wasn't long before Matilda padded back into the room and struggled to leap onto the armchair with Loki. Loki grinned and reached down, picking her up. Matilda mewed, then curled up on her lap, then went back to sleep.

And that was how Loki got into the possession of a flat-faced, calico kitten.

* * *

Ella knocked on Loki's door a month later. Loki opened the door and poked a head out, a cup of tea in his hand. "Jordan, your rent is due for the next month," she said. Loki frowned.  _Has it been six months already?_

"Oh. Right,” Loki said. “Come in, I've got it here somewhere. Please, sit."

Ella walked in and sat on the sofa. Matilda looked up at her and purred. Ella smiled and reached out, stroking her head. Loki put his cup down and looked through a drawer, frowning and muttering before saying "Aha! Here it is. How much is it for another six months?"

She told him and he counted out the cash, then turned and handed it to her. "Here you go."

Ella stared at the cash and said "Is... Thank you." She accepted it and counted it out as Loki picked up his mug.

"Would you like to stay for tea?" He offered, walking towards the kitchen. Ella looked up and put the money in her pocket.

"Thank you, but I've got to get to the grocery store," she said. "Hope you have a good day, though."

Loki lifted his cup and smiled. "You too, ma'am."

Ella glanced out the window before she left, and said "Huh. Didn't realize it was raining that hard."

As if on cue, a flash of lightning flashed across the sky, and it began to pour. They watched it for a moment, then Loki said "Are you sure about that cup of tea?"

Ella worried her hands for a moment, then said "Oh, why not? I can always go tomorrow. Hello, Matilda. Yes, I'll pay attention to you now." She rubbed the kitten's head more and Matilda's purring filled the silence. Loki smiled and poured Ella a cup, putting it on the table. The old woman sat down and said "So, have you met anyone lately?"

"No," Loki said, shrugging. "I don't exactly 'meet' people, if you know what I mean."

"Ah," she nodded. "No friends?"

Loki shrugged, looking awkward. "I don't do friends." He scratched the top of Matilda's head as she came to rub his leg, still purring. "I do cats. And other animals. And only sometimes people. Like you."

"Ah," she smiled. "Well, cats are fine. And I'm fine too, if I don't say so myself."

Loki smiled a little and said "Do you have friends around here?"

"Mhmm," she said, nodding. "I've lived here for years."

"How long?" He asked, tilting his head in a curious manner.

"Oh, ages," she said. "Ages and ages. Bought this place years ago with my husband, Henry. When the couple who lived up here moved, they offered it to me when they moved, after Henry died, so I could make more of a living. I've gotta admit; you're the most normal tenant I've had up here."

“I  _really_ doubt that,” Loki said, grinning and picking up Matilda. She licked his hand with her rough tongue and he smiled at her. “I'm not normal.”

"I said the  _most_ normal, hon,” Ella said, grinning. “Not that you  _were_  normal."

Loki nodded his head in acknowledgment. Thunder cracked outside and Matilda mewed. He stroked her again and Ella smiled.

"I had pets," she said. "Dogs, not cats, though. Dachshunds. I grew up with them. I had one who used to hide under the sofa when he got scared. Silly little thing." She sipped some more and said "So, you like to travel?"

"Mhmm," Loki nodded. "All over. Hitchhiking, usually."

"Isn't that a bit dangerous?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. Loki shrugged.

"Sometimes," he admitted. "But I can defend myself."

Ella nodded, looking thoughtful, then changed the subject. "So, have you finished  _Harry Potter_?" He nodded. "How'd you like it?"

And so Loki went off, talking about how he quite liked the made up world, and how Ron and Harry would be completely lost without Hermione. Ella listened, and after a few minutes, Loki paused and looked embarrassed. "Sorry, I sort of... ranted there, didn't I?"

"That's alright," she said, smiling. "I don't mind. Have you read any Neil Gaiman?"

"Neil...? No," Loki replied, frowning.

"Oh, you should," she said, smiling. "He's written a bunch of good ones, but I think he's best known for  _Sandman_. It's a series of graphic novels he wrote. I think you'd like them; I've got 'em downstairs, if you want to borrow them. Tiffany left them here a few years back, but never asked for them back. Have I never told you about Tiffany?"

"Your granddaughter, right?" Loki said, raising his eyebrows a bit. "I think so."

"She's a great kid," Ella said, smiling fondly. She finished her tea and said "Anytime you want those books, just holler, okay?"

Loki smiled. "Thank you, ma'am. I will."

She patted his cheek and left, putting her mug in the sink as she went, careful not to let Matilda out.

Outside, the rain continued.

* * *

Loki went shopping the next morning. She only went out for food once a week, never buying things she didn't need. She got cat food, litter, fruit, meat, and so on. Every once in a while, she would do Ella's shopping as well. It was easy enough to do, and the sidewalk had frozen from the rain. She didn't want Ella to slip, so she took Ella's grocery list with her.

"Hello, Jordan," the man at the checkout said. "You left a can of tomatoes here last time. Tried chasing after you, but you were gone. Go get one off the shelf."

"Oh," Loki said, blinking. "I- Thank you." She had wondered where those had gone, almost sure she had purchased them. She went and grabbed a can off the shelf, finished the shopping, and left the store.

As she walked up the steps to the building, she heard a bird squawk. A raven. Loki stopped and looked around. Sure enough, one was sitting in a tree, watching her.

Loki's blood ran cold. Her face remained blank and after a moment she said “Shoo,” in the flattest voice. The raven squawked again and flew off, joined by a second one. Loki's eyes lingered on them for a moment, then she pulled out her key and hurried inside.

 _It's probably not one of them,_  she thought to herself, closing her eyes as she leaned against the door.   _Just a common raven. Nothing special about them. Don't they usually travel in more than one?_ She knocked at Ella's door, and the landlady peered out.

"Oh, Jordan!" She smiled, but it faltered and she frowned. "Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Fine," Loki stammered. "I'm fine. Just... Just a bit faint..."

"Well, come have a cup of coffee while I put these away. Which ones are mine?" Loki carried the groceries in and pulled out Ella's list, handing it to her before collapsing into a chair.  _It wasn't them, it wasn't them. They think you're dead, it wasn't them, it couldn't be them_... She accepted the cup of coffee giving Ella a grateful look. She then drank it as quickly as she could without searing her mouth and throat.

Ella finished with the groceries shortly after Loki had finished her coffee. The old woman sat down, concern written on her face. "Are you  _sure_ you're alright? Do you need help getting upstairs?"

Loki shook her head. "I think... I think I just... need to lay down..."

"Okay, well," Ella said, looking unconvinced. "If you need anything, just holler."

Loki nodded and escaped with her groceries, dumping the bags on the kitchen table before curling upon the sofa, arms wrapped around her knees. She began to hyperventilate until Matilda leaped up onto the sofa next to her. The cat curled up in her lap, looking up at her with big copper eyes. Loki held her tight and squeezed her eyes shut, rocking a bit.  _Please let it not be them. I don't want to leave. Please, please, please_...

* * *

Heimdall narrowed his eyes slightly, frowning. He called a messenger over to him and said "Get the Allfather."

The messenger nodded and ran off towards the palace. Twenty minutes later, he returned, the Allfather behind him.

"Is something wrong, Heimdall?" Odin said, frowning.

"It is, perhaps, nothing," Heimdall replied. "But for a few moments, Huginn vanished from my Sight. He reappeared only moments later, but I am unable to tell what caused it. It seemed almost like..."

The Gatekeeper trailed off and narrowed his eyes again. "Almost like what?" Odin prompted.

"Almost like someone was shrouding themselves from me," Heimdall continued. "But I cannot tell who it might be."

Odin nodded. "Keep an eye on it," he said. "I will ask Huginn what he saw when he and Muninn return."

He walked back to the palace and Heimdall resumed his watch, keeping an eye fixed on the building in New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who left comments and kudos! I really appreciate it, and they all made me smile.


	3. Of Sex and Storms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up after some hot sex, gets followed home by two bird-brains, and we get a visit from the one and only Norse God of Thunder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously. Warnings for referenced sex. Nothing explicit, I promise.

Loki woke up, warm and comfortable, from the best sleep he'd had in weeks. A moment later, he realized someones arms were wrapped around his middle, spooning him. Oh, yes. That's where he was. He opened his eyes and looked up to see a young man with dark mahogany hair and honey-brown eyes. The man smiled at him and said “'Morning, beautiful. Sleep well?”

"Mm," Loki smiled. "I did. What's your name again?"

The man snorted and grinned. "Micheal," he replied. "And you're... Danny, right?"

"Jo-o-ordan," Loki corrected, yawning as he nuzzled the pillow.

“"Thaat's right. Want a round two?" Micheal asked, kissing Loki's neck, trailing lower. Loki hummed.

"No, not right now," he sighed, and Micheal backed off, respecting Loki's wishes.

"Sorry, beautiful," he said, flicking his hair out of his eyes. "What would you like instead?"

"Breakfast would be nice," Loki said, an eye opening as he smiled. "And a shower."

Micheal smiled. "Sure thing," he said. "There's a towel and washcloth under the sink. D'you like pancakes?"

"I do," Loki said. "Mind if I take a shower?"

"Not at all, sweetheart," Micheal replied and walked off. Loki remained in the oh-so warm bed for a few more minutes, sighing. When he got up, he looked around for his clothes, only to find them scattered around the room. Sighing, he got up and gathered them together, heading into the bathroom to wash last night's sex off him. It had been a rather fun night, considering he'd only just met the man.

When he walked into the kitchen, he found Micheal standing at the stove in a pair of jeans, hair rumpled on one side. He was humming and flipping pancakes, and Loki said "Would you like me to get out plates and forks?"

"Yeah, thanks" Micheal said. "Plates in there, silverware in there. Cups in there, too, if you would."

Loki took out the proper utensils and dishes, setting the table with napkins. A few minutes later, Micheal put the plate down, along with butter, syrup, and jam. Loki took four pancakes, and slathered them with butter and syrup, eating ravenously.

"You always like this?" Micheal teased. Loki shrugged as he chewed.

"Only after a good performance," he replied once he'd swallowed, giving a wink. Micheal laughed. An hour later, Loki had exchanged numbers with Micheal ("You call me when you're ready for that round two, okay?") and was on his way, feeling satisfied as ever.

As he made his way back up his street, there was a caw. He stopped and looked around until he saw two ravens in a tree, looking down at him. Loki narrowed his eyes and said “Shoo!”

One of them tilted its head at him and the other cawed again. Loki sighed and continued on this way.

They followed him.

Loki went into his apartment and fed Matilda, then went into his bedroom to get change his clothes. Just has he was pulling his shirt on, there was a tapping at the window. He froze, pulled the shirt on the rest of the way, and went to the window, pulling back the curtains.

Two ravens sat on his windowsill. Loki growled at them and opened the window.

"I suppose there's no chance of you not telling him I'm alive, hmm?" He said, looking at them. They cawed at him and he sighed. "Thought not. If you bother me again,thought, I'm setting my cat on you two."

One of them, presumably Muninn, squawked at him, looking indignant. He then flew off, the other following shortly after. Loki's eyes followed them until they were gone. Once they were, he shut the window, closed the curtains, and went into the living room, huffing as he flopped onto the sofa face first. After a moment, he mumbled “I am so  _fucked_.”

Matilda, who was sitting in the armchair, meowed at him. Loki looked up to glare at her, meowing back in an obnoxious way. She gave him an unamused look, and Loki went back to sulking.

* * *

 _I could always leave,_ she thought, staring a the ceiling. Matilda was meowing, waiting to be fed, and Loki blinked.  _Where would I_ go _?_

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock at the door. Loki blinked up at the ceiling again, then got up. She walked over to the door and opened it a crack, peering out at Ella's concerned face.

"Jordan, are you okay? You haven't gone out for a while, so I was starting to worry," she said, wringing her hands. Loki blinked at her, feeling numb. Ella glanced around as Matilda meowed, sounding almost mournful. "May I come in?"

Loki said nothing, but opened the door a bit further to allow her inside. She walked in and Loki closed the door behind her, walking towards the kitchen to feed Matilda and put the kettle on. Ella sat on the sofa and looked around until Loki came back, sitting in the armchair and hugging her legs.

"Jordan, is everything okay?" Ella asked, concerned. Loki worried her lower lip.

"My family knows where I am," she whispered. "They're going to come, and they're going to take me. I-" Loki curled up tighter. "I don't want to go. I like it here."

"Oh, honey, come here." She patted the sofa next to her, and Loki hesitated before getting up and sitting next to her. Ella took her hand and said "Honey, you can't let people do what you don't want them to. Sometimes you got to say 'no' and do what you think is best for you. Self care comes first, okay? Even if others think it's selfish, you got to take care of yourself."

Loki continued to chew on her lip, and nodded. Ella smiled and Loki gave a small smile back. "Come down for lunch, okay? You look like you could use a good meal."

"Thank you," Loki said softly. "I'll go get dressed."

"You're welcome," she replied, and left, closing the door behind her. A few minutes later, Loki got up and walked into the bedroom, getting into clean clothes. She washed her face and combed her hair, then went down to Ella's apartment. She sat at the table and ate, letting Ella fuss over her.  _Yes,_  Loki thought.  _I could be happy here._  She smiled a little.  _This could be home, at least for now._

* * *

Two ravens flew through Asgard, into the palace, and landed on Odin's shoulders, one on either side. Frigga and Thor both looked up for a moment, then went back to their dinner. Odin tilted his head to listen as Huginn whispered into his ear.

" _What_?" Odin shouted, eye widening as both Frigga and Thor jumped. The other whispered to him as well, and Odin nodded, dismissing the two ravens. Odin closed his eye and leaned back in his chair, a troubled air about him.

"Odin?" Frigga asked, worried. "Odin, what's the matter?"

"I..." Odin rubbed his eye, swallowing. " _He's_..." He shook his head and looked up at her in disbelief.

"Loki lives."

* * *

The thunder started around midnight, a loud boom sounding through Brooklyn. After that, the rain began, pouring as if let loose by a dam. Loki woke with a start, and sat up, looking towards the window. Lightning cracked again, and Matilda mewed in fright, scratching at the door. Loki waved a hand at it, and it opened. The kitten padded it, leaping on the bed and under the covers, still mewing, ears flattened against her head. Loki got up and walked towards the window as another flash of lightning brightened the sky.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he peered out. Clouds were moving fast above, swirling and covering the city like a hurricane.  _This isn't a natural storm,_  Loki thought as thunder boomed and Matilda mewled again. He went back to the bed and scooped her up, stroking her head to soothe her, even as ripples of panic spread through him. She nuzzled his fingers and he sat down on the edge of the bed.

After a minute, he got up and walked towards the window again, carrying the kitten in one arm and lifting back the curtain with the other. There was another flash of lightning, and he spotted a familiar figure in he middle of the street.  Thunder boomed, red cape swirling at his feet, hammer in hand... There was no mistaking him. Loki clenched his jaw and put Matilda down on the bed, throwing blanket over her to make her feel safer. This done, he grabbed a jacket and his boots, making his way outside. He stayed in the overhang above the door, protected from the rain, and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it. He took a drag.

Thor turned at the sound of the door closing, and Loki leaned against the wall, exhaling, other hand hugging himself. Thor's eyes glared and he walked towards him, blond hair long and damp.

"Greetings," Loki said, and took another drag. "Would you mind stopping that thunder? You're beginning to frighten my cat."

Thor stopped at the gate, breathing hard, not bothering to stop himself from getting wet. "Explain," he growled. "Now."

"Explain what?" Loki asked, raising his eyebrows, smoke leaving his lungs. "I see nothing to explain."

"I suppose you thought it amusing, didn't you?" Thor snarled, "Letting us think you were dead for ten years. Ten  _years_ , Loki.  _Ten_!"

Loki sighed, curbing the panic he felt as he tapped some of the ash off his cigarette. "I am aware," he said, lifting the cigarette back to his lips, then took the box out. "Cigarette?"

" _Explain_ , Loki," Thor growled, pointing Mjolnir at him. Why?  _Why_ didn't you tell us? Why did you hide yourself from Heimdall?  _Why_?"

Loki didn't reply. He closed the cigarette box, putting it back in his pocket. Thor opened the gate and walked towards him, anger sparking through his eyes. Loki looked unimpressed, and said "Try not to destroy the street, Thor. I quite like this apartment. I've already paid my rent for the next... four more months, I think. I'd rather not explain to my landlady why her building is half destroyed."

" _Loki_ ," Thor said threateningly.

"I go by Jordan Walker now," Loki told him. "Have for a while, actually. Come inside, won't you? It's rather wet out here, and I don't fancy changing clothes."

He turned and unlocked the door with a wave of his hand. Thor walked hesitated, then walked in after him, Loki waving a hand at him so he wouldn't get water everywhere. He led the way upstairs, Ella poking her head out.

"Jordan, is everything- Who's  _that_?"

"This is my broth-," Loki stopped mid-sentence. "This is Thor," he corrected. "Thor, this is Ella, my landlady. Be nice."

"Loki," Thor said, glancing at Ella.

"Sorry to have disturbed, you ma'am," Loki said to Ella, ignoring Thor. "Everything's fine, I promise."

"Well... If anything happens, just holler, you hear?"

"Yes, ma'am," Loki said, and walked upstairs, Thor following as Ella closed the door. "Mind the cat," he told Thor as he opened the door, but the kitten still seemed to be in Loki's room. Loki waved a hand, and the lights flicked on, the kettle turning on in the kitchen. "Sit anywhere, don't touch anything. Would you like a cup of tea? I do. Matilda still seems to be in the other room, but she'll come out when she gets curious." As if on cue, Matilda appeared at the bedroom door, mewing as she padded over to Thor, rubbing against his leg. Thor looked down at the cat and Loki clicked, calling her over. He scooped her up and went into the kitchen.

Loki came back a few minutes later with two cups of tea. He put one on the table next to Thor, and settled into the armchair with the other, sipping as he looked Thor up and down.

"Welcome to my humble abode," he said. Matilda settled on Loki's lap, and Loki stroked her head, looking down at her.

"You've been  _here_ for  _ten years_?" Thor said, looking somewhere between furious and unimpressed. Loki snorted.

" _Valhalla_ no," he replied. "Usually I move every six months, however I quite liked it here. I decided to stay longer."

Thor clenched his jaw. "You were  _dead_ ," he stressed, changing the subject. "I saw you  _fall_ , Loki. We thought you had  _died_."

"No," Loki mused. "No, I didn't die."  _Not exactly._

"Why did you not come back?" Thor asked. Loki sipped his tea.

"To what end?" He asked in reply. "Asgard no longer has anything for me."

"'To what end?'" Thor echoed, shouting as he stood. "We thought you you were dead!"

"Hmph. I missed you too," Loki said sarcastically. He narrowed his eyes. "Did you mourn?"

"We all did!" Thor snarled. "Mother was  _devastated_. She still mourns, not to mention our father-"

"Your father," Loki cut in, and Thor paused. "He  _did_ tell you of my heritage, did he not?"

"That matters not!" Thor shouted. "We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember  _none_ of that?"

"My memory is as sharp as it ever was," Loki said, voice level as he put his tea down on the table. "I also happen to remember living in your shadow." He laced his fingers together, elbows on the armrests, and looked up at Thor. He looked stricken "Yes, Thor," Loki said. "I fell. And I didn't come back. Why, you ask? Well," he considered. "When it comes right down to it, I thought I didn't matter enough. I'm still not entirely sure that I  _do_ matter."

Thor looked at him, face crumpled. "Loki..." He said, looking lost for a moment. "You matter to us, Loki.  _All_ of us, we  _miss_ you. Come home with me, I beg of you."

"I have no home," Loki said. "Asgard is where I once resided, but it has not felt like home in a very long time." Thor swallowed.

"Brother, Thor pleaded. "Please, just come home with me. If not for me, then for our mother.  _Your_ mother. Or do you not care for her anymore?"

“Leave her out of this,” Loki snapped, and Matilda leaped out of his lap, hiding under the armchair. "Don't you  _dare_ bring her into this."

"She  _still_ mourns you, Loki!" Thor shouted. “And there isn't a day that I don't think of how I might have saved you from that abyss. There isn't a night yet where I don't wake up, having seen your face fall farther and farther away, a day where I don't miss you,  _you_ , my little brother!”

"I don't need to be saved!" Loki shouted back. "I've been doing just  _fine_ on my own-"

"You've been running!" Thor accused. "You have been running away from us."

"Yes, I have!" Loki shouted. "Surprise, surprise; the trickster tricked, and the coward ran."

Thor stopped, clenching his jaw. "I never said you were a coward," he said, lowering his voice.

Loki laughed, almost hysterically. "Yes, you  _have_! Perhaps not in as many words, but you've implied it too many times before, don't deny it."

"Loki..."

"'Some do battle, others do tricks,' isn't that what you said?" Loki continued, ignoring him. "You've phrased it many a way, brother  _dearest_ , but the meaning is the same. And even when you didn't say it, others did. And when they laughed, you laughed right along. So don't say you 'miss' me. Don't say they  _mourned_. I was your entertainment, a damn  _joke_ to Asgard. The silver-tongue, the weaver of stories, the liesmith, the trickster, the shame of Odin," Loki clenched his fists, and Thor's face crumpled again with sadness. "Don't you  _dare_ give me that look; you  _know_ it's true. You  _know_ that's what they said, maybe not always to my face, but I heard. I  _always_ heard, and I  _always_ waited for you to tell them off, especially when no one knew I was there, but your silence was  _deafening_." He sneered at Thor. "We may have been raised together, Thor. But I was  _always_ in the shadow of your glory.  _Always_."

Loki turned and walked back towards the kitchen with his empty cup, putting it in the sink. He leaned against the counter for a moment and closed his eyes, clenching his jaw, counting to ten. When he finished, he went into the linen closet to take out sheets. He went back into the living room, only to find that Thor was standing where he'd left him. Loki sighed and waved a hand at the sofa, which unfolded into a bed. The sheets went onto the bed and Loki said "You may sleep there, if you plan on staying the night. I care not what you do next. I'm going back to bed."

Before Loki could coax Matilda out from under the armchair, Thor moved forwards and put his arms around Loki, pulling him close. "Get  _off_ me you-"

"Whatever your reason for staying away, brother," Thor said, hugging him tight, "know that I am happy, almost too much for words, that you live."

Loki pulled away and backed away from Thor, trying desperately to keep his mask on. He coaxed Matilda out and carried her into his bedroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

Neither fell asleep for a long, long time.


	4. What Once Was Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki goes back to Asgard with Thor. Confrontation with Odin and Frigga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Or Carmilla. Obviously.

Loki lay in bed, Matilda standing on his chest and meowing, batting at his face with her paw. He sighed and eventually sat up, thankful that he'd thought to place a silencing spell on the door, so Thor wouldn't wake from the relentless meowing.

With a sigh, Loki looked at the time; it was almost seven o'clock. He pulled back the covers and grabbed a shawl, wrapping it around his shoulders as walked out of his bedroom and into the hall, Matilda following. He walked to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on, then gave the meowing kitten her breakfast. He finally curled up in a kitchen chair with the paperback version of  _Carmilla_ , and read until the kettle clicked off. He waved a hand at it, not looking up, and a cup of tea soon floated towards him, setting down on the table in front of him. Before long, he put the book down, and picked up the cup of tea instead, warming his hands on the hot ceramic as he took a sip. 

It was then that Thor came into the kitchen, blond hair a mess. He had taken his armor off, and the two stared at each other for a moment. Loki glared at him and Thor cleared his throat.

"Why are you  _awake_?" Loki grumbled, sipping his tea. "It's  _early_. You're not supposed to be awake yet."

"I couldn't find sleep," Thor said. He sat  in the chair opposite, looking down, then around the kitchen. Anywhere except at Loki. Loki continued to sip and glare. It was twenty minutes past seven now. With a sigh, Loki uncurled himself from the chair and stood up, putting his tea down. He grabbed eggs, butter, and milk out of the fridge, along with some bacon. He waved his hand and plates, forks, and cups came out of their places, arranging themselves on the table. Loki put a pan on the stove,  put a slab of butter, and began to cook. He could feel Thor's eyes on his back, but ignored him for the time being.

When the eggs and bacon were done,  he picked up his plate and served himself. "Take what you want," he said to Thor, indicating the pan as he sat.  "There's juice in the fridge, if you want it."

"Thank you," Thor mumbled, and complied. They ate in silence, Matilda meowing at them for table scraps and rubbing against their legs, waiting to be pet. Loki finished first, and put his dishes into the sink, turning on the water and picking up the sponge.

"Alright," he said at last, voice soft. Thor stopped eating and looked up, blinking at him.

"...Wha?" Thor's mouth was full and Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

:I'll go with you to Asgard," he replied. " _But_ ," he stressed as Thor's eyes lit up with understanding, "only for a day and a night. No more, no less. And then I'm coming back here, and you  _will_  leave me alone, if I so desire it."

Thor chewed a bit more, then swallowed, eyes narrowed. "Will you at least let Heimdall see you?"

"Perhaps," Loki said, shrugging. "Perhaps not." He finished with the dishes a few minutes later and said "I'm going to take a shower and get dressed. I should be ready to depart in an hour."

Thor nodded and Loki left, heading into the bathroom. Matilda sat at the door and meowed, scratching at it when Loki didn't let her in. Loki turned the water on and showered slowly, making sure he was completely clean before drying off and wrapping a towel around himself, heading back to his room to dress. An hour later, he stood in the living room wearing dark trousers, his black Asgardian boots, a dark green shirt, and a black leather jacket. He had put eyeliner around his eyes, and if Thor noticed it, he said nothing. Thor had gotten back into his armor, and as they left, Loki left a note on Ella's door, asking her to feed Matilda that evening, but that he should be back to feed her again the next morning.

"Heimdall," Thor called when they were standing in the street. "Open the Bifrost."

"Please," Loki added.

A roaring noise and a flash of light came, and the two were in the Observatory a moment later. Loki looked the Gatekeeper up and down for a moment as he stepped down from the platform, saying nothing. He continued to say nothing, even as Thor paused to talk to him.

"No need to keep up, brother dearest," Loki drawled, walking towards the bridge with his hands in his pockets. "I'll just show myself in, yes?"

Thor was quick to catch up, walking beside him. Loki continued, not daring to look at the edge of the bridge. He kept his eyes in front of him. They got to the palace gates, which opened for them when the guards recognized Thor. Loki sauntered in and said "Where next?"

Your rooms," Thor replied, his voice surprisingly even. Loki said nothing and walked on. They reached the room, and Thor said "We've not been in for some time. I know not of the condition it is in."

Loki opened the door and walked in. Three inches of dust at  _least_  covered every surface. Otherwise, the room was unchanged. Loki waved his hand and the dust vanished. He walked over to his bookshelf and pulled a book out at random, flipping through it.  _Well,_  he thought,  _at least I know my protection spells worked._  His careful notes still remained in the margins of the pages, and there was no damage from insects. He slipped it back into its place, and moved on to the papers that were on the desk, organized only in his eyes. He flipped through them and frowned, moving around the room. Thor stood in the doorway, watching, until Loki finally moved to the bedroom door, unlocking it with a wave of his hand.

This room was also unchanged. Loki stood in the doorway, making the dust vanish. The wardrobe doors were open, the bed unmade. Dust covered this room as well. There were trinkets lining the shelves along with books and potions. A book sat on the bedside table with a page marker in it, nightclothes tossed unceremoniously into a chair. The black and emerald curtains were tied back, letting light into the room.

 _This is my room,_  he thought to himself. And yet, it somehow  _wasn't_. Not anymore. It was the room of a younger man who no longer existed, at least in his own eyes. It was only ten years ago that he had stepped into this room, but it felt like centuries.

"I will fetch our parents," Thor said, pulling Loki from his thoughts. Thor closed the door behind him as he left, and Loki was alone in the rooms. He walked towards the window and slid it open, stepping onto the balcony as a gust of wind entered the room. He leaned against the balcony's ledge and looked out at the city below, getting lost in his thoughts again.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door that he didn't hear. The door opened and Loki blinked, half turning his head towards the door. Neither Frigga nor Odin said anything, and it was Loki who broke the silence a moment later.

"Do you remember when you taught me the names of the stars?" He asked, looking up at the sky again.

Odin narrowed his eye. "I do."

Loki nodded and looked back up at the sky. "People don't look at the sky as often anymore. It's a beautiful sky, and no matter where you go, it's always blue. Granted, it's not always the  _same_  blue. And sunsets are a different matter  _altogether_. And the  _stars_  are always different, too. On Midgard, the stars are smaller, yet still just as bright as the ones here. Still just as beautiful."

Frigga moved closer. Loki looked down, hanging his head. "I know you're angry. I know you're confused and upset and... downright  _furious_. But I couldn't come back. I just... I couldn't."

"Then why come back now?" Odin asked, also stepping forward. "Why not let Heimdall see you?" His voice was dangerously neutral, and Loki knew there was rage somewhere behind it. Disappointment, even.

"I'm tired of running." He looked back up and sighed. "Tired of lies. And in all honesty, it was time to come back, even if it's only for a brief time. You deserved to know."

Loki turned to face them, leaning against the ledge, hands in his pockets. Frigga's eyes were red, Odin's face was stony. Loki looked from one to the other, then said "Ask me your questions. I'll tell you no lies."

"And how can we trust that?" Odin asked, narrowing his eyes. "You've been lying to us for ten years."

"I could ask the same of you, seeing as you lied to  _me_ for about a thousand years," Loki shot back.

"So this was about revenge, then?" Odin said, his voice beginning to rise.

Loki opened his mouth to retort, then paused. Sighing, he looked at the ground. "No," he said at last. He looked back at Odin and stopped leaning on the banister, standing straighter. "You don't deserve my forgiveness, nor I yours. Despite that, I  _have_ decided to forgive you and your manipulation. I'm tired of being angry about it."

After a moment of silence, Frigga stepped forwards. Loki swallowed and bit his lip, a pang of guilt running through him. "Mother," he murmured, looking down.

"Loki," she breathed, and was embracing him a moment later. Loki tensed for a moment, breathing in sharply, but slowly released the breath, forcing himself to relax as he put his arms around her. She let out a small sob and Loki held her tighter, kissing her forehead.

"I'm sorry," Loki whispered in her ear. "I'm sorry. I-" He paused, giving her a squeeze. "I love you."

Frigga let out another sob. "Oh, you foolish boy," she whispered. "My foolish,  _foolish_ child. Of course we forgive you. Of course."

Loki swallowed again and nodded, pressing his cheek to the top of her head and closing his eyes. A few moments later, Odin said "Explain why you have done this, Loki."

Frigga pulled away and smiled at him. She stood away from them and Loki turned to Odin.

The Allfather's face was neutral as he gave Loki a long, hard stare. Loki had been under this gaze before, but it never failed to make him feel small, inferior, and ashamed. Despite that, he looked at Odin for a few moments. Over the few years he'd been alone, he had thought about what he wanted to say to him. He remembered a few of those things, but none of them seemed like enough now.

"I thought about coming back," Loki said at last. "I  _did_. I spent about a year wandering the branches of Yggdrasil, trying to figure out what to do next. Clearly I failed in what I had... meant to do." Thor flinched. "So, there were two options; come back, or keep going." Loki paused and looked down. "I wasn't sure what to do. But I suppose, if you are asking why I didn't come back... There is no simple answer. There were a multitude of reasons, I suppose. I wasn't sure... I wasn't sure if I was  _wanted_ , I wasn't sure of how I felt, I wasn't sure of who I was... So I wasn't certain of many things, except that I was alive."

"How  _did_ you survive?" Thor asked. Frigga shot him a withering Look and Loki gave him a slight grin.

“Now  _that's_  an odd story,” Loki said, glad to look at him and not Odin. “It's not one you'd be likely to believe, because I don't quiet understand it myself. For now, let's say I landed on Yggdrasil's branches and wandered around for a year, discovering new Realms. I ended up in Vananheim, and stayed there for about six months, then went to Alfheim, and then, ah, Jotunheim." All three of them looked surprised. "For two and a half years. I helped repair most of the damage I had done with the Bifrost, and ended up meeting Helbindi, who's my brother. And so is Byleist. I found out I was named Ven when I was born, so I went by that while I was there. And then I went to Midgard, and I've been there ever since under the name of Jordan Walker."

It sounded almost simple when put like that. All three of them stared at him until Odin said "Thor, leave."

Thor looked at Loki, who nodded once. With a sigh, Thor left, saying "I'll... wait out here."

When he was gone, Odin turned back to Loki, and looked him up and down.

"You look... different," the Allfather said. Loki wasn't sure if this was a compliment or not, so he said nothing. Odin looked him in the eye and said "You let go."

"Yes, I did," Loki said.

Odin's face was neutral again, but Loki sensed no danger behind it this time.  "May I ask why?"

Loki stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. "All my life I'd tried to make others happy. I forgot what made  _me_  happy in the process. I stopped playing tricks for amusement, and started playing them to get attention, to impress... people. And I was done. With all that." Loki clenched his jaw a moment and ran a hand through his hair.

"What I mean is," he paused again, looking around as he tried to summon courage from somewhere.

"I'm done trying to impress  _you_ ," he said at last, letting his hand fall. "Done trying to get  _your_  attention, to make  _you_  happy, because no matter what I did, it never seemed to be  _enough_." He shook his head and took a deep breath, straightening. He looked at Odin's stricken face.

"I'm not Aesir," he said, voice firm. "I'm Jotnar. And I'm not sorry for it." He paused and searched Odin's face for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I don't understand how everyone got the idea that the Jotnar are monsters. They're actually quite peaceful. Laufey was the only monster.

"Of course, ze had zir supporters; every ruler does, but the majority of Jotunheim were against going to war. Jotunheim couldn't afford another war with us anyway. Oh, and they've got the Casket of Ancient Winters back," Loki added. "I...  _found_ it after I landed. I didn't want it, so I gave it back to them. They weren't even that upset that I'd assassinated Laufey. Even zir other children knew ze was mad."

"Why did you let the Jotnar into the Vault?" Odin asked.

"Because you  _blatantly_ ignore me when I told you Thor wasn't, under any circumstances, ready to be King," Loki replied with a shrug. "You waved it off as a bid of power, of course, but in all truth, I never wanted the throne. Again, I just wanted to prove that I could be a decent ruler."

"And so you let go," Odin sighed, looking down. Loki was surprised at how  _tired_  Odin looked. Like he had aged a thousand years since Loki had left.

"I'm okay, you know," Loki said, and Odin looked up. "I've got a place on Midgard. It's simple, but it's nice. The mortals and places are interesting."

Odin nodded and Frigga said "How long are you staying with us?"

"Until tomorrow morning,"Loki replied. "And then I'm going back."

"Will you let Heimdall see you?" She asked, looking hopeful.

"Perhaps," Loki shrugged. "I will every now and then, to let you know I'm still alright.” He looked at Odin and said “ _Do_  stop sending your blasted birds after me. People tend to notice if you've got large black birds following you around everywhere. And I've already threatened them with my cat."

Odin gave a single nod and said "Very well. We will talk more later."

"As you wish, Allfather," Loki replied, and Odin left. Frigga remained, and she turned to Loki.

"Will you walk with me?” She asked. Loki gave her a smile and offered her his arm. Smiling, she accepted and he led her towards the gardens. They passed more people, and some stopped to stare at him, but they both ignored them.

"What are Helbindi and Byleist like?" She asked. Loki smiled.

"Nice enough. Helbindi is older, Byleist is younger than I. They wanted to make me king when they realized who I was. Apparently, killing Laufey made me the rightful King of Jotunheim. I gave the throne back to Helbindi. Byleist is timid, but quite intelligent. Ze has started training as a mage, so I offered zim a few tips."

"Zim?" Frigga prompted.

"They're all hermaphrodite," Loki said. "They don't use male or female pronouns, unless instructed to by another." He looked forward again. "One of the many things I like about New York is that one cares what gender you are, or if it changes, or how you look, or dress. It's... Well, in  _that_ regard, I am  _much_  more comfortable. My landlady—her name is Ella—remarked upon the changes once, but she accepted it once I told her. She asks a lot of questions, but doesn't push too much. She's kind. She invites me for lunch."

"I think I should like to meet this woman," Frigga said, smiling a little.

“You would like each other,” Loki mused. He brightened. "I also have a cat. Matilda, I call her. She's _quite_ affectionate."

"I will have to visit you," Frigga decided. Loki smiled.

"I think I would like that, Mother," he replied. "Very much indeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla, for those who don't know, is a short book about a lesbian and a lesbian vampire that came out before Dracula. It's by Sheridan Le Fanu, and I just finished reading it. (There's a TV show too, which I really want to get in to, but I'm bad at getting into TV shows, so we'll see.)
> 
> Thank you to those who left kudos/comments!


	5. Sif and The Morons Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing the Warriors Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

"Is that...?"

"It can't be. Of course it isn't."

"I don't know, it  _kind_ of looks like... Holy leaves of Yggdrasil, it  _is_...!"

Loki sighed and looked up from his book to see the Warriors Three watching him, trying and failing to be discreet about it.  He rolled his eyes and got up, grabbing his jacket and hanging it over his shoulder as he walked away, still reading.  People were staring at him, and the attention was getting annoying, especially with the Idiots Three following him.

It was then that he ran headlong into someone. Loki fell to the ground, and she snarled "Watch where you're-" And then stopped dead.

It was Sif. Loki blinked at her and all the color drained from her face, eyes widening like she was staring at a ghost. Loki got up off the floor, dusted himself off, and picked up his book.

"Greetings," he said, looking at her. She opened and closed her mouth several times, and the Warriors Three came over to stand behind her.

"You-" She said, blinking. "But you're...  _dead_."

Loki raised his eyebrows and looked down at himself. "Am I? Well,  _this_  is awkward. I wish someone would have  _told_  me that. Are you sure?"

Fandral reached out and poked him in the chest, then grinned and said "It's  _definitely_  him."

Loki huffed. "Well of  _course_  it's me. Who else would I be?"

"But- How are you alive?" Sif shouted. "And do you  _know_  what you've done to Thor? To your  _Mother_? Do they even know you're  _here_?"

“Of course they do,” Loki said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. “I came with Thor this morning.”

"Where have you  _been_?" She screeched and Loki winced.

"I know you are capable of an inside voice, Sif, so I suggest you use it before I lose my hearing." She glared at him and he gave her a grin. "Oh, I've  _missed_ bickering with you. I'd forgotten how  _fun_ it is. I've been on Midgard for the past five years, since you so desire to know."

"And the other five?" Fandral asked.

"Various places; I rarely stay in one play for more than six months; it was by sheer chance that I was even found," Loki replied. He looked them all up and down. "I would sit here and chat, except I... don't want to, I bid you all good day."

"Is  _that_ why there is to be a feast tonight?" Hogun said. Loki blinked at him and frowned.

"What?"

"The Allfather announced there was going to be a feast tonight," the Vanir replied, and Loki opened his mouth for a moment.

"I... suppose so, yes. I didn't know."

"Everyone has heard by now," Volstagg said, smiling. "I assume it's to announce your return."

" _What_?"Loki's eyes widened. "But- I'm going back to Midgard tomorrow. I don't even know if I'll ever come back, you can't just  _announce_ that I'm alive! I  _like_  being dead!"

"Why?" Fandral asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

"No one thinks to look for you when you're dead," Loki said. He walked off, hoping they wouldn't follow him.

No such luck.

"You know, I saw Thor smiling earlier. Did you know it's the first time I've seen him smile since you 'died?'" Sif hissed at him. "He was  _devastated_  at your loss. What were you  _thinking_ , not coming back?"

Loki stopped. "What was I thinking, Sif? What was I  _thinking_? I was thinking just  _maybe_  I wouldn't be such a  _burden_. That's what you think of me, isn't it? A burden? Just an annoying tag-along for all your  _stupid_  adventures, just the person to  _blame_  when everything goes wrong."

"One word, Loki! One word from you is  _all_  they would have needed!" She shouted.

Loki turned and shouted back "Do you think I don't know that, Sif? Do you think me an  _idiot_? I didn't come back because, unlike  _some_ people, I know when I'm  _no longer wanted_."

He turned and walked off, but before he got out of earshot, Fandral called "How did you fall off the Bifrost?"

Loki stopped and heard the sound of Hogun smacking the back of Fandral's head, and the over-dramatic "Ow!" That came afterwords. He turned and said "What, you think I just  _fell_ off the side of the Bifrost?"

"Well, no one really knows," Sif said, arms crossed. We were told you fell."

Loki narrowed his eyes before giving her a wry smile. "Then you'll only hate me more, Sif. I didn't fall off the Bifrost." He turned away and walked a few steps, slower now, then said "I let go."

"You  _what_?" Sif sounded furious. "You  _willingly_  let go? You tried to-  _Why_?"

"I've already given you the answer," Loki called. "Use your brain and figure it out."

* * *

 

That evening, Thor came to fetch him for the feast. Loki had dressed in something casual, feeling a bit strange in his Aesir clothes. He had changed the colors for the occasion, the green becoming a light blue, the black to a dark shade of gray. He kept his hair parted on one side, and he wore armor, but no cape. He replaced the little gold that was on the armor with silver, and left off the helmet, which he'd kept in a pocket dimension. Instead, he wore a simple circlet he'd received from Jotunheim. It dipped into a V at his forehead, a stone at the dip. It was a ruby when he was in his Jotnar form, but it turned a light blue when he was in his Aesir form. It was simple enough that it would go unnoticed, yet he knew that Odin would know the significance.

Thor knocked on the door, and Loki turned from the mirror, chewing on his lip. He walked over and opened the door, and Thor smiled at him. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Loki replied. They walked side by side until they reached the doors to the dining hall.

"How many are there?" Loki asked.

"Everyone, I think," Thor replied. "Nervous, brother?"

"And how many know about my... heritage?"

Thor looked at him. "No one will harm you, bother. You have my word."

Loki clenched his jaw and didn't reply. He took a deep breath, then stepped forwards and pushed the doors open.

The entire hall fell silent, and Loki's mind screamed for him to run. He took another deep breath and straightened, walking into the room with his head held high. He saw Odin's eyes flick up towards the circlet. Loki made his way over to the seat he usually took to the right of Thor. But to his surprise, Thor took that seat, indicating for him to sit on his left, beside Odin. Confused, Loki sat. It was then that Odin stood.

"Yesterday, Loki was found," he said when the room had turned their eyes off of Loki and onto him. "Today, he returns to us once more." He turned to Loki and said "Welcome home, my son."

Loki nodded once and eyes returned to him. The feast began and Loki remained quiet, eating little. Talk started back up again, and soon, most eyes were off of him. People began to tell stories and were flyting with one another. Loki was mostly ignored, which didn't surprise him, but it didn't bother him either. At least, not until someone from town the table called "How about Loki tells a tale?"

Loki looked up from his plate as others agreed, eyes turning back to him. Thor looked at him and leaned in, murmuring "You do not have to if you do not wish."

Loki narrowed his eyes and ignored him, then tilted his head and said "I know many stories. What kind would be appropriate on a night like this?"

"I think we'd  _all_  like to know where you've been!" Another person shouted. There were murmurs of agreement and Loki smirked.

"Oh, it wasn't anything  _very_  interesting," he dismissed, but the knowing smirk remained and people started up again. "You really want to hear it?" There were shouts of approval. "Well, then, I suppose I will."

He stood up and stepped onto the table, walking over the plates and dishes, hands behind his back. "It's a rather unbelievable story, if I do say so myself. In fact, I hardly believe it myself. However, I assure you every word is truth.

Loki stopped as he passed Fandral and some woman who looked uncomfortable with his advances. "Fandral, stop bothering that lady. She clearly doesn't want your advances."

Fandral looked up. "I'm not!" Loki looked at the woman, who was hugging her elbows.

"Is he bothering you?" He asked. She nodded, not looking at him. Did you ask him to stop?" She nodded again. "Fandral, apologize to the lady and back away from her."

“But I wasn't-”

"Sexual harassment and disrespect of a lady will  _not_  be tolerated," Loki said, putting his hands on his hips, glaring at him. "Swallow your pride and apologize for your continued unwanted advances. Now."

Fandral looked sullen, but mumbled an apology before slinking off to find someone else. Loki smiled at the lady, then straightened.

"As I was saying," he said as though there had been no interruption, "every word of my story is true, whether you believe it or not.

"The first thing you must know, is that it wasn't dark while I was falling, at least nor for the most part. On the contrary, it was bright; there were stars and nebulae and all sots of things to keep space bright. It was dark for a little while; perhaps I was in Ginnungagap, perhaps, I had simply fallen asleep; whatever it was, it was dark for a short while only..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ginnungagap is the one of the most fun words to say, and I mostly just wanted to work that word in here somehow. It's the big void between Niflheim and Mustspelheim.


	6. The Norns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY, GREEN EYES, THINK FAST *Throws some weird-ass shit at Loki's head with a satisfying thwack*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Loki was falling. This wasn't exactly news to him, and quite frankly, he was getting  _bored_. He had long since regretted letting go, and was wondering what was going to happen. He knew he was going to land somewhere, or starve to death, or dehydrate, or  _something_. He wasn't even sure how long he had been falling for, but at least it wasn't dark.

Oh. Scratch that.  _Now_ it was dark. And a bit cold, but Loki didn't feel cold, at least like other people did. Now he knew the reason for that. He closed his eyes and squeezed.  _Don't think about that,_  he thought. Yet, seeing as he was alone, in the dark, with nothing to do, it was rather impossible not to think. He knew he should be worried about hitting the ground or something, about dying in general, but he'd made his peace with that a few minutes (hours?) ago. With a sigh, he eventually relaxed. Or, relaxed about as much as one falling  _could_  relax.

A little while (or maybe a long while) later, he felt himself...  _slow_. He opened his eyes and discovered that it wasn't so dark anymore. He had slowed down and landed on something soft and warm.  _I'm so tired... Just let me rest..._  He thought as he lay there, on that whatever-it-was.

“What's that?” A voice asked, soft like a breeze. It sounded curious.

“He's a Jotun,” another voice said. This voice was clearer, a bit higher, like daylight.

“Just the one we were waiting for,” another voice said. This voice was lower, a bit more menacing, like the night and Loki's eyes fluttered open.

Staring at him was a huge, purple creature, who's grey eyes seemed to be the size of houses. There were no pupils or whites. Their hair was grey as well. He yelped and scrambled backwards, only to find that the thing he was laying on was (its? Hers? His? Their?) hand, fingers curved so he wouldn't fall out. The creature smiled and said “Fret not, little one; we will not harm you.”

“I'm not a Jotun!” Loki hissed. “Let go of me!”

“Ah, it's  _that_  one,” said the softer voice, and another peered down at him. This ones skin was a soft pink and teir hair and eyes were white. “The Jotun who was raised as Aesir.”

“Yes, I know,” the low voice said, and Loki's head whipped around. This ones skin, eyes, and hair was black, with something resembling stars dotting along, almost like freckles. “He's just the one we need.”

“Wh-Who are you?” Loki asked, looking from one to the other. The pink one laughed gayly.

“Can't you guess?”

“Of course not,” said the purple one with a sigh. “He's been taught to think of us as  _women_.”

Loki blinked.  _Who...?_

The answer came to him almost at once. He blinked, mouth agape, and he whispered “The... You're the Norns?”

“He's got it!” The pink one sang with a smile and tey went back to whatever it was tey had been doing, making tiny threads appear, and putting them into a small bubble-like thing. Now that he looked, there appeared to be lots of them, just floating around in no clear order, all connected to each other by different colored string, or so it looked.

“What... But no, how can you be?” he asked, looking at them all. “You're so...”

“Big?” The black one raised an eyebrow. “Not everything is as it seems. You should know this by now.”

“Yes, but...” He cleared his head. “Why do you need  _me_?”

“We need you to lay waste to this place,” the purple one said, pulling one of the bubbles towards tem.

“But... why me?”

“Because you're already here, and we don't like to waste resources and materials,” the pink one said. “And you're angry enough to do it. We'd get Thanos to do it, but he's already looking for the Tesseract, and won't be convinced that its there.”

 _What? Who's Thanos?_  Loki thought, but didn't voice it. Instead, he said “I'm not angry.”

They all laughed in their own way. The pink one burst into giggles, the purple one threw back their head and laughed, and the black one just quirked their lips up as she reached into a bubble and grabbed threads, snapping them with a flick of their wrist. They continued with their work, and Loki said “What are your names?”

“Well,” the pink one said thoughtfully, “we've  _many_  names throughout. You call us Urth, Virthandi, and Skuld. I would, I suppose, be Urth... the past...” Tey mused and continued to create threat and string with teir hands, humming softly as tey threw it around, saying “Wheee...” under teir breath.

“I would be Virthandi,” the purple one still holding Loki said. “The present.”

“And I Skuld,” the black one said. “The future.” Tey snapped a few more threads.

Loki scrambled to his feet and looked around, eyes widening at what he saw. “Where are we?”

“The Gar-den!” Urth sang and got up, skipping over to another bubble that Skuld just abandoned and giggling, poking it with teir finger a few times. “The Garden of Everything!”

“...Right,” Loki said, and looked up to Virthandi for clarification.

“As tey say,” they replied with a shrug. This is the garden of everything. Look,” tey turned and said “That is the place you call Yggdrasil.”

Loki's eyes widened as he saw nine bubbles slowly revolving around various threads above them. “So- So every... bubble is a Realm?”

“If you like,” Virthandi said, still looking up at them. “They are some of the few that line up every so often, so they are aware of each other.” Tey reached up and pulled them down so Loki could get a closer look. “You were lucky I was standing here to catch you.”

“So...” Loki's mind was reeling. “You mean to say, I fell from  _there_?” He pointed to the top, which was clearly Asgard.

“Well, not quite.” Virthandi pointed. “You fell from here.” They pointed towards the bottom. “It happens every so often; someone falls out of their, what you call  _bubble_ , so we put them back on the threads.”

“You won't send me back  _now_ , will you?” Loki asked, slightly dreading his return, but they only smiled.

“No, young one,” tey said. “Not right away. You may wander here for as long as you like, and enter any Realm you wish. Just remember that time does not move here like it does in Yggdrasil,” tey brought Loki to eye level. “You must return to Yggdrasil eventually. Until then, you may wander the Garden as you will.”

Loki sat back down, crossing his legs. Besides the bubbles, the plane around them was white with colors fading in and out here in there, like light reflecting against a marble floor through glass. Loki looked back up at the bubble that was Asgard and clenched his jaw. “They lied to me.  _He_  lied to me.”

“Yes,” Virthaldi said, nodding. “He did. But people lie all the time; you learned that a long time ago.”

Loki nodded and felt magic at his fingertips. “I think... I think I  _am_  angry.”

“Of course you are,” Skuld said. “You were abandoned by your first family, left to die. Then, your adopted father lies to you. You feel betrayed and angry and you should  _destroy_.” Loki stood and Virthaldi carried him to a bubble.

“Have fun!” Urth called, and Virthaldi all but dropped him in.

* * *

Loki raged for who knew how long. The land was empty when he had entered, but now it was all but destroyed, fires still alight, and even the dirt was stained black by the time Loki's energy was spent, and he fell to his knees, finally sobbing into his hands, the ash and his emotions choking him. After that, he felt himself rising, and when he looked up, he was looking into the pink face of Urth.

“How do you feel?” Tey asked, looking concerned as they sat, cross-legged on the would-be ground.

“...Empty,” Loki whispered.

“So fill up!” Urth replied, smiling.

“With what?” He asked, looking up at tem desperately.

“Um...” Tey thought. “How about with... wanders?”

“With... What?” Loki frowned.

“Wanders!” Urth repeated, giggling and bringing teir legs up, setting him on teir knees and creating a large flower from nowhere with pastel green petals and a sea blue center, tucking it behind a pointed ear, then creating a smaller flower, holding it out to Loki on a large finger. Loki accepted it and tey smiled at him. “Go do wanders,” tey said. “Go home when you're filled up again. With stuffs.”

Loki looked down at the flower with pink petals and a light blue center. “But where do I go?”

“Anywhere,” Urth shrugged. “That's the wonderful thing about wanders. You can go anywhere and meet new peoples. Go do the wanders. The Garden's the limit!”

“And how big is the Garden?” Loki asked. Urth grinned.

“Limitless!” Tey replied, and picked Loki up again, setting him on one of the threads connecting the Realms. They had appeared smaller before, but now they were as wide as the Bifrost. “Work your way back home. Yggdrasil's up over there,” tey pointed to where the “tree” was, and smiled at Loki. “Good luck, little Jotun.”

“I'm  _not_  a Jotun,” he seethed. Urth paused and tilted teir head, looking confused, and a bit offended.

“I  _made_  them,” tey said, crossing their arms. “I made them, the Jotnar. They're nice folk, if you visit them. Go visit the Jotnar.”

“But they're monsters!” Loki snapped. “ _I'm_ -”

“Shhh!” They looked distressed now. “Look,” they waved a hand to indicate the Garden. “See  _all_  this?”

“Yes,” Loki said slowly.

“How many Lokis are there? Just like you?” Tey asked, looking back at him.

“Well, I really don't-”

“One!” Tey said, lifting a finger. “ _One_  Loki just like you! And  _who's_  the Loki like you?”

“...I am,” Loki said.

“You are!” Tey said, nodding in satisfaction and tapped his head with the tip of teir finger. “Go visit the Jotnar. You'll  _like_  them. They are a  _nice_  peoples.  _You_  are nice people.”

Loki looked down. “I'm... I'm not... good.”

“Don't tell me what you are and aren't!” Tey argued, frowning at him. “You're a you, and a Loki is good. Now go fill yourself with stuffs.” With that, Urth turned and skipped off, calling “Have fun!”

* * *

“...And so I wandered,” Loki said. “I only ever stayed in one Realm for a day or so, slowly making my way back up towards Yggdrasil. I saw people so small, I could fit twenty in the palm of my hand. I met people the size of mountains, and I ate and I drank and I fought. But, after a year, I found myself back in Yggdrasil.”

“Did you go to Jotunheim?” Someone asked.

“Yes,” Loki nodded. “For three years. I split the next year between Vanaheim and Alfheim, then I went to Midgard, and I've been there ever since. Until yesterday, when Thor found me.”

“And why didn't you come back sooner?” Another asked. Loki smiled.

“I wasn't filled yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the Norns happened, because I'm like well these things come up in Greek Mythology, and I figured someone who rules Fate is kind of like a godlike figure?? They don't have a gender, and they don't really have names, though I've just called them by what Loki's always called them.
> 
> Anyway, the Garden of Everything is called a garden for a reason. Urth is the youngest; tey come up with all the ideas and plants tem into Realms, and makes new Realms. Tey're kind of like a seed-planter. In Norse mythology, they're the Norn of the Past.) I liked writing tem a lot.
> 
> Virthaldi islike a gardener; tey make sure nothing goes wrong with the Realms, even if that means making some species/races extinct, like weeding and watering. Tey're the Norn of the Present.
> 
> Skuld is like a harvester. They pull up the Realms when they're all dried up, and give them back to Urth to make something new. Norn of the Future.
> 
> If you've got any other questions about them, come and talk with me on my tumblr, which can be found on my profile.
> 
> Thank you to those who left comments/kudos!


	7. Forgiven, Not Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets a thank you, an apology, and very, very drunk. And Thor hugs, because Thor hugs are the best.
> 
> I've been told that this chapter makes people cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

When more or less everyone was drunk, Loki got up and slipped out of the hall. He had never been interested in these sorts of gatherings. It was too loud, too violent, and he would much  _much_  rather stay in the library until everything was done with. No one would even notice he was gone.

"Your Highness?"

_Damn._

Loki turned to see the woman Fandral had been harassing. She wore a simple light blue and silver dress, her silvery-blonde hair pulled back into an elaborate knot atop her head. Loki blinked, then bowed his head a little. "My Lady. Why are you not at the feast?"

"I could ask the same of you," she replied, then paused, turning pink with embarrassment. "My apologies, that was... uncalled for."

"That is fine," he replied. "I never liked crows. I prefer solitude."

"Then I apologize for disturbing you," she replied, inclining her head. "I wished only to thank you for stopping Sir Fandral earlier."

"You're welcome," Loki said. They stood in an awkward silence.

"I will go back now," she said, and turned.

"Before you do, what is your name?" Loki asked. She half turned back, raising her eyebrows.

"Sigyn, daughter of Lord Armun," she replied.

"If you do not wish to go back, Lady Sigyn," Loki said, "I wouldn't mind the company."

Sigyn smiled and said "No, thank you, my Prince."

Loki smiled back and said "As you wish. Enjoy yourself for the remainder of the evening, then." He then turned and continued on his way.

* * *

"Loki," Odin said as he walked into the library. "A word. Please."

Loki looked up from the book he'd been reading, sitting at his favorite spot at the window seat. He put the book down on the seat as he got up, following Odin to his study. Odin closed the door behind him and indicating for him to take the seat in front of the desk. Loki had taken this seat many times. Usually, this meant Loki was going to get shouted at, or that he was, at the very least, in trouble.

He sat, crossing one leg over the other, tucking a bothersome bit of hair off his face as Odin took the opposite chair. The two stared at each other for a few moments, Loki waiting for Odin to speak. Then Odin said "Is the story you told true?"

"For the most part, yes," Loki replied, putting his hands in his lap. "I left out the part about Skuld wanting me to destroy a Realm, and how Urth got quite offended when I told them I didn't like the Jotnar. Other then that, yes; it was all true." When Odin said nothing, Loki just smiled a little. "I  _did_  tell you that you wouldn't believe me."

"Did you destroy the Realm?" Odin asked. Loki gave him skeptical look.

"If a Norn asks you to do something, you do it," Loki said.

"And you did this how?" Odin asked, narrowing his eye.

"Well, you see I was still rather pissed off," Loki said, shrugging. "At you, at Asgard, at Laufey... Well, I was angry about pretty much everything, but mostly you."

"And you're not now?" Odin asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Like I said before," Loki said. "I've forgiven you."

"Aye, but those are not the same things," Odin pointed out.

"True," Loki said, inclining his head. "But just because I've forgiven does not mean I've forgotten." Loki swallowed and then said "You hate them, don't you? The Jotnar?"

Odin sighed. "No, Loki, I do not hate them. I'm indifferent, really."

“I know,” Loki said with a sigh, looking down. "I mean, you  _were_  always indifferent towards  _me_..."

"I was  _never_ -"

"Stop talking," Loki said, raising his hands. "Stop talking. Just listen for a few minutes. Regardless of whether you loved me or not, it always  _seemed_  like you were indifferent, and that's the point. One moment, you tell me my birthright is a throne, the next you reveal my birthright was to die as a child."

Odin clenched his jaw, a flash of pain shining through his eye, but he said nothing. Loki took a deep breath and continued. "I care not what your intentions for me were. There was a time in which I tried anything to gain your attention and approval. I don't care about that anymore either. I don't care what you think of me. The Loki that did is dead."

"But I see you sitting there," Odin replied.

"You misunderstand, Allfather," Loki said, shaking his head. "When I was a babe, I was named Ven. When you took me, I changed. I became Loki. When I fell, I changed yet again, leaving the name Loki in the dust."

"Then who are you now?" Odin asked, voice quiet. Loki stood.

"I'm Jordan," he replied simply. "Storyteller and Realm-walker. I bid you good evening, Allfather."

He turned and walked over to the door, but before he could leave, Odin murmured "Before you go, I want you to know that I'm sorry for what I said.  And also for what I  _didn't_  say. It is well within your right to hate me, and I do not blame you for it. I never wanted- I didn't know you'd- I didn't  _mean_ -" Odin shut his eye and shook his head. "I  _knew_  that you could have done it."

Loki was frozen, hand on the doorknob, his eyes wide. He was all of the sudden aware of every movement he was making. "Then wh... what  _did_  you mean?" He hated the way his voice trembled.

_No, Loki._

"It's- You didn't  _have_  to do it," Odin stressed. "You didn't have to prove yourself, Loki. Not to me. Not to anyone. You..." Odin paused and sighed in frustration. "The reason the original plans stopped mattering was because  _you became my son_. You became my son, if not by blood, and I  _do_... I  _love_  you as such." He stopped and shook his head. "Somewhere along the line, I became  _blinded_. I didn't realize how much I had hurt you. How much  _Asgard_  had hurt you. Somewhere along the line, the bright and smiling boy I knew vanished, and I didn't even realize until it was too late." Odin paused again and whispered "Until  _I_  was too late. I failed you. I failed you, my son, and I am sorry."

Loki squeezed his eyes shut as they stung, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He bowed his head as he swallowed a few more times, and tried to blink back tears. It was hard to breath, and it came out ragged and quick. He heard Odin's chair scrape as he got up, footsteps as he walked over.

"...Loki?" Odin said, tentatively. Loki choked back a sob and covered his face with his hands, swaying where he stood. "Oh, Loki," Odin whispered, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Loki opened the door and ran, blinded by emotion. He didn't bother to look where he was going until he was hidden in the kitchens behind barrels of mead. He collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor, tears streaming down his face, a hand against his mouth as he closed his eyes. It wasn't long before he was sobbing, despair and devastation crashing down around him.

It was a long time until he stopped.

When he did, he looked up and saw a barrel of mead, and the cupboard of clean goblets.

* * *

Thor woke from a persistent knocking on his door.

"Go  _away_ ," he moaned and rolled over, pulling the pillow over his head. The knocking continued, though it was more tentative this time.

Finally, Thor got up and walked to the door, infuriated, and wrenched it open. At once, all traces of sleep and anger vanished, and his eyes widened. " _Loki_?"

"'M int- in- intox- I'm  _drunk_ ," Loki said, leaning heavily on the door frame. His eyes were red, like he'd been crying, and he there were rings under his eyes. He reeked of spirits.

"You're  _intoxicated_?" Thor said incredulusly. It was a rarity. 

"Tha's the word," Loki said, grinning.

Thor frowned. "Did someone hurt you?"

"Father 'n I  _talked_ ," Loki informed him, and Thor caught his brother as he fell forwards. "I can' find my room," he mumbled, blinking up at Thor, eyes unfocused.

"You look terrible," Thor remarked, half carrying Loki into the room and into a chair. "How much did you  _drink_?"

"I- Um..." Loki blinked a few times, frowning at his lap. "A lot?" He guessed, rather unhelpfully.

Thor sighed, rubbing his eyes. "You reek. You need a bath."

"But I don'  _wanna_ ," Loki whined. "'M  _tired_." He looked up at Thor hopefully. "Sleep first?"

"Bath first," Thor insisted. Loki blew a raspberry at him and giggled. Thor sighed and turned on the lights, then went into the bathroom to run a bath. He then went back to find Loki singing something to himself under his breath, but it wasn't anything he recognized. He was also making illusions of little insects and birds. Several were floating lazily above his head, and he watched them, a sort of dazed smile on his face. Thor sighed again and knelt in front of him, unlacing his boots.

"Thoooor," Loki said, head flopping to the side, grinning like a loon.

"Yes, Loki?" Thor said.

"D'you still have th' feather... thing? Tha' helmet?" He giggled. "A fucking  _bird hat_."

"You're still a cow," Thor muttered under his breath. Loki giggled even more, head lolling back to stare at the ceiling again. The illusions had vanished, but he didn't seem to bother him.

"A  _cow_. I still have it somewhere..." Loki frowned and looked down. A moment later, the horned helmet appeared in his lap. Loki grinned and picked it up. "Lookit, Thor. 'S my helmet."

"So I see," Thor replied, standing and taking the circlet off of Loki's head and putting it on the table. He undressed Loki more, taking the helmet and putting it on the floor. Loki didn't seem to mind, and was talking unceasing nonsense. He carried Loki to the bathroom, turning off the bath and setting Loki in the water. He picked up a washcloth and rubbed soap into it. He washed Loki's neck and worked his way down.

A few minutes later, Thor realized Loki had stopped talking. He paused in washing, and said "Loki? Are you well?"

“He said he was sorry,” Loki said softly. 

"What?" Thor frowned.

"Father," Loki lifted his hand and let it fall back into the water. "He said he'd  _failed_ me and that he was  _sorry_ , and that I didn't have to  _prove_ anything to him and that I-” Loki sniffed and looked down at the water, eyes glassy. "I mis- misund- mis- um," he frowned and blinked.

"Misunderstood?" Thor offered. Loki nodded.

"Yeah," he whispered, voice tight. "That." He went quiet again and Thor sat there, helpless, not knowing what to do. He put more soap on the washcloth and began to scrub Loki's back. Loki leaned forwards and wiped his eyes. Thor suspected they were already wet.

"'M sad a lot," Loki sniffed, and Thor froze. Loki continued "A  _lot_  a lot. 'S a stupid word, 'lot.' And tired. 'M tired a- um..." He shook his head. "You're so  _perfect_ , Thor. So, so perfect. You're good at  _everythin'_  and it... um... I hate it." His voice had turned into a whisper.

Thor swallowed, then scrubbed Loki's back again. "Not  _everything_ ," he replied. "I can't do magic."

"Tha' doesn'  _matter_  here. You do," he added, and sniffed again. He looked up at Thor desperately, eyes welling up as he whispered "And I... I... I  _don't_."

Loki's voice cracked and he curled in on himself, bringing his legs to his chest, breath hitching. Thor dropped the washcloth and pulled Loki close, not caring that he was wet. His little brother was crying, and that was all that registered.

"Remember this well, brother," he growled. "Because this is the truth; you're skills may not be appreciated by most here, but you  _matter_. You matter, and I  _will not lose you again_ , you understand? Not like that. Not again, do you hear me? If you fall again, I will jump in after you and pull you out.  _Never again_."

Loki let out a broken sob and Thor picked Loki up out of the bath, pulling him closer. Loki's fingers twisted into his tunic and Thor whispered "You  _matter_ , little brother. You are skilled and are more powerful than most here could ever  _hope_ to be. You are strong, no matter what they say. Them saying you are weak does not stop you from being strong. Do you understand?"

Loki nodded and sobbed harder, body shaking.

"Good." Thor pressed his cheek to the top of Loki's head, rocking a little. "Perhaps you weren't Asgard's favorite, Loki. But you were, are, and always  _will be_  my favorite. You are my  _only_  little brother, and I will  _always_  love you. On that, Loki, you have my solemn oath."

Loki shuddered. "I love you too, Thor," he choked out, and Thor continued to rock.

"Do you want to finish your bath now?" He asked when Loki had quieted. Loki shook his head, still clutching to Thor. "Okay. I'm going to dry you, then."

"Can I stay here?" Loki whispered, voice scratchy.

"Of course," Thor said, picking up a towel. "But you have to let go of me first, so I can dry you."

Loki did so, and Thor picked him up, sitting him on the toilet lid, rubbing him dry and placing the towel over his lap. "Wait here, I'll get you something clean to wear."

Loki nodded, head bowed, and Thor left for a moment. He soon returned, and dressed Loki before carrying him over to the bed, pulling the blankets over him. Thor changed out of his damp clothes, then got in on the other side, like they used to do when Loki had nightmares when they were children. Loki snuggled into his side, curling up so his knees jabbed Thor's side, his hand coming up to clutch a handful of his tunic again. Thor put his arm around his brother and whispered "Goodnight, Loki."

Loki mumbled something incoherent that trailed off. Thor listened until Loki's breath had evened out, and his hand had slackened on his shirt. An hour later, Thor too had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos!


	8. Gender Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Odin find out that Loki is genderfluid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

_Is Loki a woman?_

It was the first thing Thor thought when he woke and saw the black-haired person laying next to him.  _Loki's a woman._  He blinked down at Loki until she rolled over and curled into a moaning ball of pain.

"Wha'th?" Loki moaned. "Oh, my  _head_..."

"You're a woman," Thor said, blinking. Loki rolled onto her back and threw an arm over her eyes, then felt herself up.

"So I am," she said with all the surprise of one who is not surprised at all. "I think I'm going to be sick..."

A moment later, she'd gotten up and had dashed towards the bathroom. It wasn't long before Thor heard retching. Regaining his senses, he got up and went in to find Loki bent over the toilet. He knelt next to her and lifted her hair back until she had finished.

"Are you well?" He asked, letting go of her hair and looking her over, anxious.

" _Spectacular_ ," Loki, voice scratchy then winced and moaned. "I'm never drinking ever again, I swear to God."

"Which one?" Thor frowned.

"No, no it's a Midgardi-aaah..." Loki curled up, clutching her head in her hands. Thor stood, getting a cup from the sink and filling it. Loki accepted it and took a few tentative sips. Thor sat, cross-legged in front of her.

"So," he said, trying to sound casual. "You're a woman...?"

"Mhm," Loki said, sipping. "Only sometimes."

"...And how long has this been going on for?" Thor asked.

"Um..." Loki frowned. “Forever? It didn't matter until I figured out it wasn't normal and ah...  _things_  started showing," she glanced down at her chest before shrugging. "Midgard calls it being 'genderfluid.' Sometimes I'm a man and sometimes I'm a woman. I can't control it, and it usually lasts for a few days. It's normal."

"And... Who else knows?" Thor asked.

"Mother and Eir," Loki replied. "And I suppose the Jotnar do, but they don't have assigned genders anyway, so they don't  _care_. Also pretty much every person I've rented an apartment from in the past five years. Some are good about it, some aren't. That's why I picked Jordan as a name; it's both masculine and feminine."

Thor swallowed. "How come I never noticed?"

"I didn't want you to know," Loki mumbled, finishing off the water. Her stomach gurgled and she hugged her knees, putting the cup beside her. "Father doesn't know either. Eir had to know, I mean she's the main healer, and she had to be informed. I can turn back into a man, but it's..." She shrugged. "I don't like to. I faked headaches sometimes to avoid seeing people on the days it was difficult to change. Sometimes I just  _can't_."

Thor nodded and decided to change the subject. "Are you hungry?"

Loki nodded and mumbled "I need to get home... Matilda needs to get fed."

"Matilda can wait a little bit," Thor replied. "It's still early."

Loki nodded and made her way back to the bed, collapsing into it and curling up. Thor went to the door to order someone to get breakfast for them, but stopped when Loki said "Thor?"

"Yes?" Thor said, turning.

"Are you mad at me? For not telling you?" Loki asked, blinking up at him.

Thor chewed the inside of his cheek, then replied "No. I understand why. I mean... we all teased you for being like a girl. I understand."

Loki nodded and pulled the blankets over herself. When Thor returned, she'd fallen asleep again.

* * *

"I really  _do_  need to be leaving soon," Loki said when she'd woken up again. They were eating breakfast across from each other, Loki still dressed in Thor's too-big tunic and trousers. "Matilda needs to be fed, and Ella will be worried."

"Will you at least say good bye to Mother and Father first?" Thor asked.

Loki took another bite of food to avoid responding. Thor sighed. "You said last night that you and Father had exchanged words?"

"Yes," Loki said slowly.

"And that he apologized?"

"He did, yes," Loki replied, looking down and pushing her food around her plate.

"Have you forgiven him?" Thor asked.

"Yes, I said that when I got here," Loki said, waving it away. "It's just..." She shrugged. "I don't know what to say."

"You always know what to say," Thor replied, grinning. "At least say good bye."

Loki nodded and sat a few more moments, then pushed her chair back and got up. "I'm going to go back to my rooms."

"Okay," Thor replied. "Come back later, okay?"

Loki lifted a hand and waved it at the pile of clothes Thor had removed from her the previous night, making it vanish. She then went back to her own bedroom and started a bath, putting fragrant oils in.

When the bath filled, She sank into the water with a sigh, rubbing her shoulders to try and relieve some of the tension there. She preferred bubble baths, which was one of her favorite discoveries since going to Midgard, but baths in general were just so  _relaxing_. They always had been, and she made sure every apartment she'd rented so far had a tub. Showers were nice too, but they just weren't the same.

Loki sank down into the sweet-smelling water and got her hair wet, then grabbed soap and worked it in. Thor had done a good enough job the night before, but, well, he treated her like she was made of  _glass_. Once her hair was washed and conditioned, she pinned it up and grabbed a washcloth, scrubbing every inch of herself.

Once she was clean, she emptied and refilled the bath and took a bottle of bubble bath from one of her pocket dimensions. They were lavender and rose scented, and she waved a hand so a cup of tea would be made. It floated in when it was done, and she sighed as she sipped it, putting music on as well, closing her eyes.

It wasn't long before there was a knock at the bedroom door.

"Who is it?" Loki called, not opening her eyes.

"It's me," Frigga's voice came.

"You can come in, just keep in mind that I'm not at  _all_  decent, but I'm feminine today," Loki replied. The door opened and she heard footsteps approach the bathroom.

"You look relaxed," Frigga said, standing in the doorway. Loki smiled and turned her head, opening her eyes halfway.

"I am. Very much so," she replied, lifting an arm out of the water and hanging it over the side. "Thank you for noticing."

“Thor says you got rather drunk last night,” Frigga said, walking over to sit on the toilet lid.

"I'm an adult capable of making adult decisions," Loki said. "Everyone gets drunk now and then; it's bound to happen."

"And that you told him about your... this," Frigga indicated Loki and Loki looked up at her.

"It was hard to deny when he woke up and noticed his brother was a woman," she said. "Despite what I believe, he's not  _quite_  as stupid as he appears."

" _Loki_ ," Frigga chastised gently, Loki smirked.

"He took it well, all things considered."

"Will you tell your father?" Frigga asked.

Loki shrugged as she lolled her head back to face the ceiling. "I may as well, since Thor knows. However I don't plan on getting out until the water is cold."

Frigga smiled and the water went freezing. Loki yelped and turned blue. She gave Frigga an unimpressed look, waving her hand to turn it warm again.

Frigga sighed and said "Please talk to him."

Loki sighed and tossed an arm over her eyes, turning white again. "Fine."

Frigga remained, raising an eyebrow. Loki peeked at her and huffed. "I will! I promise. But I need to get dressed first. And I'm not going to change back into a male today either."

"Oh?" Frigga raised her eyebrows. "Why so open all of the sudden?"

"I don't want to preform for others," Loki shrugged. "I don't give a damn what they think.  I want to be feminine today, so I'm sure as hell going to be feminine."

"Would you like a dress?" Frigga asked.

"No, thank you," Loki said. "I've brought clothes with me. However, Father may want some sort of warning."

Frigga nodded and said "Half an hour?"

"An hour," Loki said. "At  _least_. His study, I presume?"

"Yes," Frigga replied. She hesitated, then said "I'll leave you, then."

"Mm." She left and Loki sighed, making a frustrated noise before holding her breath and sinking under the water, getting her hair wet again.

* * *

An hour later, Loki was standing in front of Odin's study, dressed in black trousers and a glossy green button-down, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. She wore eyeliner, kick-ass red lipstick, and black heels. Her hair was loose. She'd painted her nails as well, using a freezing spell to harden the red lacquer quicker. With a deep breath, she knocked on the door.

"Come in," Odin's voice called, and Loki opened the door, slipping inside and closing it behind her. Odin and Frigga were sitting, Frigga looking frustrated until she saw Loki. Her face softened and she said "You look lovely, my dear."

"Thank you, Mother," Loki said. "May I sit?"

Odin nodded, so Loki sat, folding her hands in her lap. "So," she began, looking at Odin. "Sometimes I'm a woman. Sometimes I'm a man. Sometimes I'm in-between the two, but usually it's one or the other. It usually lasts for a few days. Any questions?"

Odin looked her up and down for a moment. "None."

"Good," Loki crossed one leg over the other and leaned her elbow on the armrest, leaning her temple against a hand in a casual manner.

"Frigga, would you give us a moment?" Odin asked, voice quiet. Frigga looked from Odin to Loki, who smiled. Frigga smiled back, then left, closing the door behind her. Loki then looked back at Odin.

"I'm going back to Midgard today," Loki said. "I am unsure about when I'll be back, but I expect it'll be a while."

"Will you permit Heimdall to watch over you?" Odin asked.

"I swear, I think every one of you has asked me this question," Loki said, sighing. "Fine, yes. I'll allow Heimdall to see me again. I don't do very interesting things, though. Sometimes I work a day job, if I feel like it, sometimes I just do nothing all day." Loki looked off and grinned. "I once spent a whole week-" She paused. "Never mind, it's not important."

Odin put his laced-together hands on the desk, and leaned forwards. Before he could say anything, Loki said "Shush," and lolled her head back. "I'm tired of apologies and..." she waved a hand "...such. Come visit me sometime. My current address is six-thirty-nine Sterling Avenue, Brooklyn, New York, Apartment two."

"Back to live with the humans?" Odin said, frowning.

"Yes," Loki replied. "I like it there. They're nice."

"They are insignificant," Odin dismissed. Loki looked at him, silently placing her hands in her lap as she watched him.

"There are thousands upon thousands of Realms," Loki said at last. "Trillions, even. And trillions of beings. There are beings who live for millions of years, who would most certainly see us as insignificant. There are beings that live their whole lives in a few mere hours. To quote Tolkien, 'All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'" When Odin said nothing, Loki continued "I've seen more in ten years than I have a thousand others. What right have  _you_  to claim what is significant and what is not?"

Loki paused and sighed, looking down and shrugging, putting her hands in her pockets. "Asgard will always be nostalgic for me, but I can't remember the last time it felt like home. Where I felt  _safe_." She paused, then added "I'll admit freely that nowhere is safe. Each place has its dangers, whether it's accidentally stepping on people the size of berry seeds, or getting stepped on by people the size of mountains. There's risk every time you get on a  _horse_ , really. So," Loki got to her feet, putting her hands in her pockets. "This is me. Getting on the horse."

Odin set his jaw and also stood. "As your King, I cannot bless your decision."

"I know," Loki said evenly.

"But as your father..." Odin met her eye. "I wish you all the luck in the world, my child."

Loki smiled a little and moved to the other side of the desk, slipping her arms around Odin's neck in a quick embrace. When she pulled away, she said "Thank you. Father." She then turned and walked to the door. "I mean it, though, she added as she opened the door. "Come visit me, hmm?"

Odin gazed at her and said "I think I just may."

Loki gave a genuine smile at that. "Until then, Father."

"Until then" he echoed, and Loki left, closing the door behind her. She stood with her back to the door and sighed deeply. Then, still smiling, she turned and went to find her mother and brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the people who left comments/kudos, I really appreciate it.


	9. Seeds For The Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki returns home, and Frigga comes for a visit. Mostly a filler chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

"Will you be okay?"

Loki and Thor were standing in the Bifrost Observatory, Loki getting ready to leave. Goodbyes with Frigga had been tearful, but Loki had finally managed to get going.

"I'll be fine, Thor," Loki replied. When Thor still looked anxious, she flashed him a smile. "Really, brother. I take care of myself, you know."

The Bifrost started up and Loki looked up at Heimdall. "I'm sorry I froze you."

Heimdall looked at her with an unreadable expression before giving a single nod. Loki smiled and looked back at Thor. "Will you visit?"

Thor smiled like an idiot. "If you would allow it."

"Any time," she said, smiling. Thor clapped her shoulder and pressed his fingers to the back of her neck. It was an old motion that Loki had almost forgotten, and she smiled.

"Goodbye, brother," he said, then paused and looked away. "Sister. My apologies."

Loki smiled. "You can still call me your brother, but if you'd rather,  _sosken_  works as well. It's what Jotnar use."

Thor nodded thoughtfully. "Will you come visit us as well?"

Loki's smile faded a bit. "No, Thor," she said. "One day may come back to stay. Until then, there are things that need doing, and places to get to. Wouldn't want to miss them, eh?" She smiled again and nudged his shoulder with her own. "But, should you ever need me," she pulled out a card, "this is my phone number and address. It'll change as I get different phones, or addresses."

Thor gave her a half smile, and accepted the card. "Of course. Thank you, Loki."

"And thank  _you_ , dear brother," Loki said, and got on the platform. "For bringing me home. For giving me the chance to fix things." She gave a mock, two-fingered salute and moment later she was hurtling through space and between Realms.

When she landed, she looked around, finding herself in an alleyway. She was alone, but she recognized where she was easily enough. She walked out of the alleyway and pulled a phone out, looking through the contacts before hitting dial.

"Hey, Micheal," she said, walking down the street as she pulled out a cigarette. "How about that round two?"

* * *

Loki unlocked the door to the building and walked in, making sure the doors closed behind her. Ella opened her door and peered out, smiling when she saw her.

"Hello, Jordan," she said, smiling. "Don't worry about Matilda; I fed her once it was clear you wouldn't be back until after noon."

"Sorry," Loki said, looking at the floor. "I  _did_  mean to get back sooner."

"Not a problem," Ella said. "But she misses you, so you might want to see her."

"Thanks," Loki said, smiling. "Would you like to come up for some tea?"

"Sure, I'd love to." Ella walked up the stairs behind her and said "So, how'd things go with your family?"

"It went... surprisingly well," she said, unlocking the door to her apartment. Matilda meowed at her in a sort of whining way and Loki said "Hello, kitten. Come here," she picked the kitten up and stroked her head as the cat nuzzled her, still mewing and purring. They walked into the kitchen and Loki turned the kettle on. "Okay, okay, I'll pay attention to you now," she said and smiled at the kitten as she sat down. "How are you, hmm?" The cat mewed and Ella smiled.

"You seem happy," Ella noted.

"I am," Loki said, looking up at her. "My parents were happy to see me. Well, my mother was. My father and I exchanged... words."

"Oh?" Ella raised her eyebrows. "Good words, or bad?"

Loki got up as the kettle flicked off, putting Matilda on the table. She got out a few mugs and said "Well, I guess they were good. We... Well, he's  _trying_ , I guess. To accept me. He didn't try to keep me there, and I told him to, well, to let me be on my own."

"I see," Ella said, giving Loki a knowing smile that made her flush. She set a cup in front of the landlady and sat down again. So, you're rebuilding bridges. That's good! Are they going to visit?"

"I... Maybe? I invited them to come whenever, and I think my mother will come, but maybe not for a few weeks. My  _brother_  on the other hand..." Loki paused, then frowned. "I never asked if he was still seeing that girl..."

"Are  _you_ seeing anyone at the moment?" Ella asked, sipping her tea. Loki marveled at how the woman could drink it; it was practically still boiling.

"No, not exactly," Loki replied, blowing on her tea, but thinking of Micheal. "I mean, I've  _been_ with people, but it's usually a one night thing." She shrugged. "I'm not interested in long-term relationships." She sipped her tea, trying not to burn herself.  _Long term_ anything  _at this point,_  she thought to herself.

"I see," Ella said. "Not the romantic type?"

Loki shrugged. "I guess? I'm not exactly sure what to  _do_ with romantic gestures. I mean, flowers are nice, and I especially like chocolates. I had a romantic partner for a few months about four years ago, but things didn't work out..."

Ella reached over and patter her hand, smiling. "Don't worry, honey. You'll find someone."

Loki stuck her chin out. "What if I don't want to?"

"Then you don't have to," Ella shrugged. "Just make sure you've at least got someone to call when you're feeling lonely."

Loki frowned. "I don't exactly have  _friends_. All the people I hung around with put up with me because my brother wanted me there, and they did whatever he did."

"I see," Ella nodded. "Well, you could always come with me to my book club. The other ladies would just  _adore_  you."

"Oh," Loki said. "Um... I'll think about it."

"That's a no then?" Ella said, and Loki flushed, ducking her head. Ella smiled. "Not a problem. But if you ever change your mind, just holler."

Loki nodded and sipped her tea. A few minutes later, Ella said "When's your birthday?"

"What?" Loki blinked. "December sixteenth. Why?"

"Good," Ella took a napkin and a pen and wrote it down. "Good. How old are you?"

"One-thousand-sixty-three. Give or take a few years." Ella looked up at him and squinted, then nodded and wrote that down as well.

"I thought you'd be older," is all she said in a vague sort of way.

Loki blinked at her. "You... You actually believe me?"

Ella gave him A Look. "I'm not  _blind_ , honey. Your brother came in here wearing full armor and a bright red cloak, carrying a large hammer. He called you 'Loki,' you called him 'Thor,' so unless your parents are  _really_  into mythology, I gotta assume you're the real deal. Are you?"

Loki nodded. "How... How long have you known?"

She shrugged. "Well, I figured everything out when your brother came, but I've suspected for months. Figured you were one of those mutants. And who am I to judge? A lot of weird stuff happens here in New York; an alien renting an apartment from me certainly isn't the  _strangest_ thing to happen.”

"Oh?" Loki frowned and thought about it, then said "Yes, I suppose so."

Ella smiled and finished her tea. "I have to get back downstairs and finish up my book. Will you come down for dinner later?"

"If you like," Loki replied. "What time?"

"Oh, six-ish, she said. "Could you bring some dessert?"

Loki smiled. "It would be my pleasure," she replied.

* * *

Spring had just arrived when Frigga visited. She waited outside the building until an elderly lady in a purple coat and a red hat stepped out. The lady paused and blinked at her before smiling. "You here to see Jordan?"

"I am," Frigga replied, smiling back. The lady smiled knowingly.

"You've got the same smile," she noted, indicating her own mouth. "Here, it's the apartment upstairs. I suggest you knock before going in; he brought someone with him last night, but they might've gone already..."

"Thank you," Frigga said. "Who are you?"

"Ella," the woman replied. "Ella Hall."

"Ah, I thought so," Frigga smiled. "Lo-  _Jordan_  speaks highly of you. I am Frigga."

"Well, it was nice chatting, Frigga," Ella said, "but I've got to get going; I've got errands to run, and people to see!"

"Of course," Frigga said, and Ella bustled off, readjusting her coat.  _What a charming woman,_  Frigga thought as she made her way upstairs. 

There was no noise inside, so she knocked on the door. "Loki? May I come in?”"

No reply. With a sigh, she waved a hand before realizing the door was already unlocked. She opened it and peered in. "Darling?"

She walked in and a cat stalked into the room, blinking at her with copper eyes. Frigga smiled and bent to stroke her. There was a noise and she looked up to see a rusty-haired woman standing in the doorway, wearing an over-large white shirt. Her brown eyes widened and she backed away a step before calling "Jordan?" She turned and walked away while Frigga stayed by the door.

Loki's head appeared a few moments later, hair disheveled.  "Wha-  _Mother_!" He turned a bright red and Frigga smiled.

"Am I interrupting?" She asked, giving him an innocent smile.

"Well- Yes, sort of." Loki's face was still an amusing shade of red and Frigga smiled.

"I'll come back in an hour," she said.

"Ah- Yeah. Alright. Thanks." He cleared his throat and walked off, calling "Larissa, would you like some breakfast?"

Frigga left the building and walked to a nearby coffee shop. She ordered a tea and some sort of tart, and stayed for an hour. People hardly glanced her way, and for that she was glad. She was dressed casually in a light purple blouse and light blue trousers. Her long hair was pulled into a braid.

When the hour was almost up, she left and walked back to Loki's apartment, unlocking the front doors with a wave of her hand. She knocked at Loki's door, and it opened. "Larissa" was gone, and Loki was less disheveled-looking. He wore dark blue jeans and a black short-sleeved top, hair damp and loose around his shoulders. He smiled at her and said Sorry about earlier."

Frigga smiled. "She looked nice. The girl. Larissa was it?"

"Yeah,," Loki mused. "She is nice, too. But I don't think we'll stay in touch."

"Where did you meet her?" Frigga asked.

"In a supermarket the other day," he replied with a shrug. "Tea?" He indicated the layout in front of him.

"Thank you," Frigga replied. Loki poured both cups and took his plain while Frigga put in a bit of sugar.

"I brought you seeds," she said, pulling a the packet out of her pocket. She handed them over and Loki opened it, peering inside. He smiled.

"Oh, these will be  _wonderful_ ," he said. "Soil's not ready for them yet, but I'll plant them when it is." He got up and grabbed a magnet from the fridge, sticking them on. Loki's cat padded into he room and mewed, rubbing against Frigga's leg.

Frigga looked down at her and said "Hello, again." And pet her.

"That's Matilda," Loki said. "I found her in a box on the street a few months ago."

Frigga smiled down at her and Matilda purred before padding over to Loki and sitting in front of his chair, meowing.

"What?" Loki said, peering down at her. She mewed again and Loki grinned, reaching down and picking her up, smiling all the while.

"She makes you happy," Frigga said.

"Yes," Loki replied, not looking up from his cat. "My cat is a beautiful cat." Matilda meowed in agreement and curled up in Loki's lap as he scratched behind her ears.

"What do you do nowadays?" Frigga asked. Loki shrugged.

"Whatever I want," he replied. "Right now I want to freshen up the garden out back," he indicated the window behind him. "Ella doesn't like gardening, so she says I can do whatever I want with it. I've learned a bunch of things, too. Instruments, hobbies, languages, and such. I traveled around Midgard- It's  _huge_ , and there are so many languages. It's a shame that humans don't live very long."

"Have you made friends?" Frigga asked.

" _Technically_ , yes," Loki said, shrugging. "I've tried being careful on Midgard because it's simply not fair."

"...And yet you have a cat?"

“That's  _different_ ," he waved a hand away. "I like it here, though. I may move on in a few years, but I like this apartment, so I'll stay until then. Maybe I'll go back to Jotunheim sometime, I'm not sure."

He leaning back in his chair before asking "Is Thor still seeing that human girl? Jane, wasn't it?"

"No," Frigga said, looking a bit regretful. "She ended things between them a few years ago."

"Good for her," Loki murmured, sipping his tea. "It wasn't fair on either of them." He looked down and frowned a little. "This year, the next, one hundred years... It's all the same to us, isn't it? And the Jotnar live longer than Aesir." He sipped more and went quiet for a while.

"Have you fallen for someone here?" Frigga asked. Loki shrugged.

"There was a man, a few years back," he said, shrugging. "Young, but he was smart and he listened. But there was an accident, so it never went anywhere. I left that apartment early."

Frigga looked sorrowful. "I'm sorry to hear about that. What was his name?"

"Noah," Loki said, smiling. "Met him in... Canada, was it? Something like that. I went to Thailand after that."

He went quiet again, and Frigga asked "What now?"

"I think I'll be a writer," he mused. "That would be nice." He snorted. I could get revenge on  _so_  many people by doing that, too."

Frigga smiled. "I think you would be a wonderful writer."

Loki smiled back at her. "Speaking of books, I just read this series called  _Harry Potter_..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who left comments/kudos!


	10. Roads Go Ever On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Odin meet on Alfheim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Or The Hobbit. Or Lord of the Rings. Obviously.

Loki was laying in a field, somewhere on Alfheim. He was wearing a black suit and tie, and his hair was undone, the hair-thingy around his wrist. Matilda was chasing lightning bugs, hissing when they shocked her. The sun was setting and the moon was rising. They were close to aligning with each other, just over the horizon.

 

The ground trembled beneath him and he sighed, closing his eyes before he heard the roar of the Bifrost, only a little distance away. A breeze went by, and a few moments later, footsteps approached.

"Good evening," a voice said.

"Good evening," Loki replied, hos voice soft. He didn't open his eyes, and the silence stretched for a few minutes.

"May I sit?"

"If you like," Loki replied, and Odin sat next to him.

"It's a nice evening, isn't it?" He said after a moment. Loki didn't reply. A little ways off, Matilda hissed as she got shocked again. "Why is she doing that?" Odin asked, frowning at her.

"Because she's a cat," Loki murmured. Odin didn't ask what he meant. A few moments later, Loki said "Ella died. Her funeral was today."

Not knowing how to reply to that, Odin remained silent.

"Lots of people went," Loki continued. "I met her daughter and her granddaughter. Her son was there too. Oliver." Loki stopped and sighed, opening his eyes. "He has a young daughter called Laura. She's five. She didn't quite understand t was going on, so she just sat and made flower crowns from the cover that was around."

Odin's eye flicked down at the flower crown that was sitting on Loki's head. "I assume she gave one to you?" Loki snorted.

"If a child hands you a flower crown and states she made it 'just for you,' you swallow your pride and wear it, no matter how big and tough you may seem."

Odin nodded and looked off into the sunset. "Alfheim's sunsets are arguably the best there are."

Loki opened his eyes and sat up, crossing his legs and putting his hands on his lap, elbows on his knees, back slumped. "Mind if I smoke?"

"Hmm?" Odin glanced at him and Loki pulled a pack from his coat, which was laying in a heap next to him. He fished one out and lit the end, taking a long drag, closing his eyes before exhaling slowly, face turned towards the sky.

"It's sort of sad," he murmured, taking another drag. "People don't realize what it means to live until... Well, I want to say until it's too late, but it never really  _is_. People just don't realize that nothing really  _matters_. I mean, we all have this sense that we need to somehow fulfill our lives by doing something important, but what's the point if you're not happy  _doing_  it?" He lowered the cigarette and sighed softly.

"Are  _you_ happy?" Odin asked. Loki shrugged listlessly. "Loki?" Odin looked at him.

"Am I happy right now, or in general?" Loki asked.

"Either one," Odin said, and Loki considered.

"Right now, no, not particularly," he murmured, looking down. "But in general?" He paused, taking a drag and exhaling. "I suppose I'm satisfied. The only problem is that..." He sighed. "I don't know what I  _want_  anymore. I wasn't exactly  _happy_  when I was, well,  _dead_ , but I liked the traveling, learning about the Realms I was in.  _That_  made me happy. I had a purpose then: to try and fill myself."

"And are you full now?" Odin asked.

"I don't know," Loki said, laying back down and taking another drag. "I don't think so." He exhaled and closed his eyes again, putting out his cigarette and vanishing it. I'm not sure what I want to do about it, though."

"Maybe you want to be with someone?" Odin suggested. Loki snorted.

"I'm not really into long term relationships."

"Then perhaps just a friendship," Odin said. "Someone who will travel with you."

"Like a companion?" Loki went quiet. “You know, she said something similar. Ella, I mean. She said something along the lines of 'make sure you've got someone to talk to.'" He smiled a little. "Perhaps you've more in common with humans than you think."

Odin hummed, but didn't say anything for a while. When he spoke, he said "Thor doesn't want the throne."

Loki blinked. Then frowned. Then, he sat up and said "Wait,  _what_?"

"Thor," Odin repeated. "He doesn't wish to be King. He said he would 'rather be a good man than a great king.'"

"Goodness me, is Thor finally developing a brain?" Loki wondered aloud. "That's the best news I've had all month, congratulate him for me, won't you?" He laid back down, taking another drag.

"Balder will inherit," Odin said, then paused a moment. "Unless you want it."

It took Loki a full minute before Odin's words sank in. "Wait, what?" He said, coughing on the smoke as he scrambled to sit up again. "You would put  _me_  on the throne?  _Me_?"

"Why not?" Odin frowned. "I raised you to be a King, and you were on the throne once, even if for a short time only. And you did rather well."

"I tried to destroy  _Jotunheim_!" Loki said in exasperation, putting out the cigarette, making it vanish.

"Beside that," Odin acknowledged, tilting his head. "You did remarkably well."

Loki looked away from Odin and towards the sunset, completely stunned at the praise. 

"Helbindi wanted to give the throne of Jotunheim to me," he said at last. "I had killed Laufey, so it was mine by all rights." He looked down. "I refused. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened had I accepted the position. He says if I ever wished to take it, all I had to do was ask. I could be both king of Asgard and Jotunheim." He snorted. "That might have been chaotic."

"Well," Odin said, "you  _were_  always one for chaos anyway."

"True," Loki said. "But it was always chaos by my own design. I only like chaos when everything is under my control, when I had backup plans, and backups for my backups, and so on." Loki picked at a loose threat on his suit jacket. "That was the thing about my tricks. I always had everything under control. I humiliated people, sure; that was the whole point. But I never  _hurt_ anyone. Well," he amended, "their ego and pride, but nothing physically damaging, other than a bruise or two."

"What about in battle?" Odin asked. Loki frowned.

"That's different," he said. "That's war. Everything is different in war." He pulled up a handful of grass and ripped it apart. "Some people say it's an art, and really, strategy is more important in a war. But when it comes right down to it, no one wins in a war. There are losses on both sides." He scrunched up his nose in distaste. "I  _never_ liked it. I only ever did battle when it was required of me to do so, but I never liked hurting people."

"Then why did you kill Laufey?" Odin asked. Loki looked at his hands and ripped up another handful of grass.

"I'd be lying if I said it were to stop a war. I tricked him into coming to Asgard and I murdered him in cold blood." He ripped more grass, twisting it through his fingers. "There could have been more efficient ways of avoiding a war. I suppose I could have tried for a treaty. But in the end, I don't regret Laufey's death. I regret killing him, yes, but in the long run, Jotunheim is doing better, and a war was stopped."

Odin was quiet again, and Matilda wandered over, curling up in Loki's lap with a mew. Loki looked down and stroked her ears. "This is Matilda," he said, and Matilda blinked at Odin as Loki scratched behind her ears, mewing at him.

The two sat in silence for a long time, Loki petting his cat until she wandered off somewhere else, Odin saying nothing. The suns had nearly vanished over the horizon when Odin said "Will you come back to Asgard with me?"

"Not yet," Loki said simply.

"When?" Odin asked, still looking at the horizon.

"I'm not sure," Loki said. "One day." There was silence again for a few moments, then Loki hummed under his breath. Odin strained to catch the words, frowning.

"What tune is that?"

"Hmm?" Loki looked up. “Oh, it's called  _The Road Goes Ever On_. It's a poem from a book. It's quite well written series; it starts with this short book, called  _The Hobbit_ , which is about this small creature called Bilbo who finds courage on the journey to find gold, and who finds a magical ring that makes him invisible..." Loki trailed off. "Never mind. It's not that interesting," he mumbled.

"Go on," Odin encouraged. "Tell me."

Loki glanced up at him in surprise, and then smiled a little. "Well, you see, it starts out that Bilbo doesn't do very much. Well, Hobbits—that's what he is, he's a hobbit—don't do much at all, and aren't bothered by the outside world. One day, this wizard called Gandalf the Grey comes, and invites him along on this journey to find gold, and Bilbo refuses. So, Gandalf draws a rune on his door, and a bunch of people that are supposed to look like Trolls, but are called dwarves come, and Bilbo finally relents and goes with them." He summoned the book from his pocket dimension and held it out.

Odin looked down at the book, blinking. Loki waved it a little. "Well? Take it. It's a good book. You'll like it, just ignore my notes."

Hesitantly, Odin accepted the book. "When should I give it back?"

Loki shrugged. "You'll just have to come and find me," he said. "And perhaps, if you like it, I'll let you borrow the first book of  _The Lord of the Rings_. I warn you, though," he added, jokingly, "it was written by a human."

Before Odin could say anything, Loki grabbed his coat and stood, hanging it over his shoulder, hooked on a finger. He watched as the sun disappeared behind the horizon, and turned away.

"Farewell, Loki," Odin said.

"Until next time," Loki corrected, smirking. "Father." He gave a low whistle and Matilda padded over to him. Loki then inclined his head to Odin, a mischievous smile on his face, then turned away.

" _Roads go ever ever on,/Over rock and under tree,/By caves where never sun has shone,/By streams that never find the sea_..." Loki's voice reached Odin as he walked away, Matilda following at his heels. It was all Odin heard before Loki's voice faded. He turned and looked around, but Loki was nowhere to be seen. Smiling a little, Odin shook his head, looking back down at the paperback in his hands. With a sigh, he turned to the first page.

 _In a hole in the ground,_  he read,  _there lived a hobbit_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. That's the end of our story. I think it's a fitting end, somehow. It kinda leaves it open for you to decide what happens to Loki next.
> 
> Also, I found a really pretty version of _The Road Goes Ever On_ on youtube, which you can find [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifgAXihflhA), and I listened to it while writing the last half of this chapter.
> 
> Thank you all for the positive feedback; I had a really good time writing this, and I'm glad you all enjoyed it. And, as always, thank you to those who left comments/kudos.


	11. Extras: Thank You, Reader

Just to say now, this isn't really a chapter, more just a few extra notes that never really made it into the story. You can skip it if you like, but I  _did_ just edit the story, so if you wanted to read it again, you may notice a few differences.

The inspiration for Ella Hall came from a woman I used to live two doors down from. The house in which she lives, on Sterling Ave is based off a place I stayed at for a week. It's actual address was Sterling st. Brooklyn, New York. I can't remember the exact address of the apartment I stayed in.

The Three Norns are a part of Norse mythology. I wanted to put more of a "godly" aspect to them, and bounced ideas off my brother to help get a clearer sense of them (thank you, brother dearest). Urth in particular is half based off of Delirium in Neil Gaiman's  _Sandman_ series (which is fantastic and I totally recommend it). How the Garden of Everything works, is that Urth plants all the stuff, Virthandi sort of takes care of it, and Skuld harvests things. 

Another idea I'd had about the Norns that I couldn't fit in was that because time is weird, the Norns are all the same "person" at different stages, Urth being the youngest, Skuld the eldest. They're actually much,  _much_ bigger than they appear to Loki, but that was the size Loki could comprehend.

Matilda is based off of a friend's cat who likes to attack toes and fingers.

All in all, I had no idea that this was going to get such a large response. I posted the first chapter as a sort of random idea I'd had, and kept going, writing every day. It's been a great experience, and I'm glad you've enjoyed it.

If you commented, then I cannot thank you enough. I couldn't have made this without the positive and encouraging response I got from all of you. Thank for for the time you spent reading this, thank you for leaving kudos, and thank you for commenting. 


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